Fannish Advent Calendar | December 21st
Dec. 21st, 2008 10:30 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eponymous_rose(Previous Days)
I was in a silly mood today, and that almost always means screencapping! Oh, yes.
I just had to cap "Amok Time", one of the strangest (and most widely known) episodes of Star Trek: TOS, because, hey! There are many amusing caps to be had. A kind of excessively long picspam-recap ensued. Excessively long as in 200 pictures. On the plus side, you don't even have to watch the episode! It's all there for you!
Here, then, is the episode that spawned a billion shag-or-die fics. It's also the first appearance of the planet Vulcan, and includes one of TV's most awkward birds-and-the-bees talks. Heehee.
We open with Kirk climbing a ladder. The passing crewmen wonder when he got too cool for the turbolifts.
In an example of wonderfully Unlikely Timing, McCoy just happens to come up behind him. I like to imagine he was just waiting at the door for the right moment. (Also, love Kirk's must-escape expression. Does he ever get to do whatever he's in such a hurry to do here?)
As it turns out, McCoy just wanted to ask Kirk if he's noticed any strange behaviour on Spock's part. Such as, you know, a tendency to throw soup at people.
Nope, Kirk's noticed absolutely-
Oh, that tendency to throw soup at people. (Also - poor Nurse Chapel's pining-for-Spock-let's-all-snicker subplot here always makes me cringe. She is far too awesome for this.)
Shouting-Across-the-Bridge Pilot!Spock - the sequel!
Kirk and McCoy are worried - this is, after all, the second season, and it seemed like Shouty!Spock got most of it out of his system earlier on.
Spock immediately requests a leave of absence to Vulcan. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Kirk is even more concerned!
Spock gets snippy with him and storms back into his quarters, which would probably have been more effective if the doors slammed instead of swishing.
Space! The final- yeah, yeah, yeah.
When we return, Kirk is demanding an explanation for Spock's request for a little R&R, which has basically never happened. Ever. It has also never involved soup-throwing, apparently.
Spock keeps interrupting and evading questions, but Kirk presses him, eventually resorting to guesses. Spock cuts it off before it becomes a full-fledged game of Twenty Questions: "Illness in the family?" "No." "Pet goldfish died?" "No." "Bizarre Vulcan mating rituals?" "No- wait, what?"
Kirk tries a new tack and tells him they've got good shore leave facilities on Altair VI, which is where the ship's headed anyway.
Spock doesn't even want to see the brochure.
Taking out his frustrations on a pen, he demands again to go to Vulcan.
"I need... rest," says Spock, which is, I suppose, one way of putting it.
Kirk agrees to accept that explanation at face value and calls up the bridge to order a detour to Vulcan on the way to Altair VI.
"I suppose most of us overlook the fact that even Vulcans aren't indestructable."
Those soup stains really add something to the decor, there.
Spock's hand shakes in an OMINOUS MANNER. "No, we're not."
Back on the bridge, Kirk's log entry is interrupted by "something's coming in on the Starfleet Channel". The Starfleet Channel: All Starfleet, All the Time!
As it turns out, Starfleet wants them to Altair VI even sooner for the inauguration ceremonies, which have been moved up seven days.
Spock is a little pissed at this unwarranted intrusion of plot.
Heeheehee, Chekov. Is this the one where his hair was too short and they made him wear a wig? He points out that they won't have time to stop off at Vulcan anymore.
Kirk spouts a bunch of clichés in an attempt to reassure Spock. "Sailor's luck!"
Spock quite understands. This is Kirk's concerned face.
Later, Kirk is lying awake and thinking of Spock. I mean. Um. Yes.
Eventually, he gives up and turns on his handy-dandy communicator thingie.
Chekov and his hair are always on duty!
Kirk asks how late they'd be if they blew off the inauguration to get Spock to Vulcan.
Chekov's all "What do you mean, if?" Apparently Spock has already ordered the course change. FURTHER THICKENING OF PLOT.
Oh, that wacky Spock.
Kirk is Very, Very Cross. Heehee.
Kirk orders Spock to come with him. Uhura is suspicious. Chekov just wants a chance to mess around with the nifty scanner thingie.
Man, they have a lot of awkward not-quite-eye-contact conversations in this episode. Kirk's getting good at demanding explanations for things, and proceeds to demand an explanation for the course change. Spock looks a little green around the gills. Er. Not so green around the gills?
Spock doesn't know what he's talking about - he accepts on Kirk's word that he changed the course, but has no recollection of having done so. THAT PLOT IS LIKE MOLASSES, it is thickening so.
Spock then asks Kirk to lock him up, stating that no Vulcan could explain this. "Ask no further questions I will not answer!"
Kirk orders him to report to Sickbay.
Spock dazedly wanders out of the turbolift and through the corridors.
McCoy is always ready! (Okay, I suppose in this case, Kirk probably let him know in advance what was going on.)
Spock wobbles over. "My orders were to report to Sickbay, doctor. I have done so. And now I'll go to my quarters."
McCoy's having none of that.
"C'mon, Spock. Yield to the logic of the situation."
Spock is pissed that McCoy brought logic into it, and reluctantly obeys, drumming on the side of the examination table as he does. Somewhere, the Master is giggling gleefully.
Meanwhile, on the bridge, Sulu and Chekovflirt banter about the way the Enterprise is changing course every few seconds.
McCoy rushes in and tells Kirk they've got to get Spock to Vulcan. Kirk's all "Yes, I was here for the first ten minutes of the episode, too, Bones."
But McCoy means STAT. "You don't get him to Vulcan within a week - eight days at the outside, he'll die!"
The camera does a hilariously fast zoom-in of HIGH DRAMA. "He'll die, Jim!"
This is Kirk's "why are you repeating yourself in a dramatic way?" expression.
After the commercials, Kirk has a little freakout, especially when McCoy admits he doesn't have a clue why Spock's dying.
At this point, I accidentally kick the plugin for my external hard drive and this happens. Cue freakout of my own. Fortunately, no damage was done.
McCoy explains that Spock's basically on a constant adrenaline high, which is not as fun as it sounds, since it tends to end in death.
What's more, Spock seems to know what the problem is, and won't tell him.
Kirk marches out to have a little talk with Spock.
When we rejoin Spock in his quarters, he's staring at a picture of a small Vulcan girl. This might just be an awkward conversation, there.
Kirk storms in and - you guessed it - demands to know what's going on. Actually, he asks nicely this time, because he's worried.
He notices Spock's OMINOUSLY SHAKING hand and grabs it.
Spock is not so much with the eye contact again.
Kirk switches the argument back to a professional one, stating that, as Spock's the best First Officer in the fleet, losing him would be a big deal for Kirk.
That finally seems to sink in. "It is a thing no outworlder may know - except those very few who have been involved." So, basically, Vulcans get incredibly embarrassed about it.
Kirk finally comes right out and orders him to explain.
"Captain, there are some things which transcend even the discipline of the Service."
And, cleverly, Kirk brings it back to a personal thing.
He promises to treat it as totally confidential.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Awkward Sex Talk 101, which must be transcribed in its entirety for optimum lulz:
"It has to do with... biology."
"...what?"
"Biology!"
"What... kind of biology?"
"Vulcan! Biology!"
"You mean the... biology... of... Vulcans?"
(There is possibly an element of don't-crack-up-don't-crack-up at work here.)
"Biology as in... reproduction?"
"Well, there's no need to be, uh, embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"
(Spock can't believe he's having this conversation.)
"The birds and the bees are not Vulcans, Captain."
Spock goes on to explain that, since Vulcans are so logical, they tend to freak out quite a lot over the... birds and the bees of "this time".
"How do Vulcans choose their mates? Haven't you wondered?"
"I guess the rest of us assume that it's done... quite logically."
I'm now picturing a sort of Vulcan internet dating service, matching up likes and dislikes and, um, degree of point to the ear and such. Oh, dear.
As it turns out, not exactly.
It's all ritual and custom and such, but definitely not logical. Basically, for those who may not have come across the Pon Farr before in the gallons of fanfic it has spawned, the idea is that Vulcans totally lose their minds every seven years and have to mate to survive. Yes, that's right. The whole race is one big shag-or-die fic. You'd probably be embarrassed, too.
Yes, I'll take "Unprecedented Levels of Awkward" for $500, please.
Spock starts prattling about eel-birds and salmon. Kirk's looking a little dazed, there. Heehee.
To sum up: Spock's going to Vulcan to get hitched. Kirk looks less than enthused at the prospect of planning the bachelor party.
Kirk agrees to keep it all a secret and storms out todemand an explana- change course for Vulcan.
Uhura contacts Spock, who goes all HULK SMASH on his viewscreen.
The Admiral's not so sure about this whole running-off-to-Vulcan-for-no-apparent-reason thing. There are plots to be had at Altair VI! Plots involving... inaugurations! Goodness. Why would anyone turn that down?
Basically, if they show up to the inauguration, it'll help show a sign of strength and/or friendship and generally go a long ways towards Universal Peace. Oh.
Since Kirk won't provide explanations, and the Admiral isn't as much of an expert in demanding them, he just orders Kirk not to delay and has done with it.
Kirk paces around and reasons that they probably wouldn't be missed anyway, right? Right?
Bones grouches at Kirk, Kirk snaps at Bones, and eventually he decides to risk his career to get Spock to Vulcan. "I owe him my life a dozen times over. Isn't that worth a career? He's my friend."
Kirk calls up the bridge and orders - you guessed it - another course change to Vulcan.
Fortunately, Chekov's been watching the show, has spotted the pattern, and has already plotted the course. That's efficiency, folks!
Meanwhile, Chapel goes to check on Spock.
...who proceeds to tell her about this dream he had. Little-known fact: most Vulcan pickup lines seem to involve soup.
After soup, our heroes ride a turbolift! (I love it when these things go sideways instead of up-and-down. Don't ask me why.) Anyway, apparently McCoy is full of Convenient Plot lately and has figured out Spock's problem. Spock compliments him on his insight, which, if they hadn't figured it out already, would be the first sign of trouble.
Spock tells Kirk that the madness Vulcans undergo is something he'd probably "find distasteful". Kirk seems pretty cool with that.
In that case, Spock asks Kirk to beam down and stand with him for a "brief ceremony". Oh, yes. Because those can't possibly go wrong! In any case, it's Spock's right to bring his closest friends with him, even offworlders. Aww.
Kirk is honored.
Just as they're leaving, Spock asks McCoy along as well. (And gets a double-take in reply, heehee.)
"I shall be honored, sir." McCoy says it sincerely enough, but you just know he's never gonna let Spock forget this.
Our heroes chat with Vulcan Space Central for a while, and amusingly don't move from this lineup for a ridiculously long time.
And it's a grown-up version of the little girl Spock was looking at! T'Pring, the one he's been betrothed to since he was seven. They exchange vaguely creepy ceremonial greetings. It's all very, um, unemotional, I guess.
Kirk's expressions are just amusing. That's all I can say.
Our heroes beam down to Vulcan!
This is, apparently, the land of Spock's family, where they've got to wait for the wedding party.
"In the distant past, Vulcans killed to win their mates." Shhh, Kirk! Don't give them any ideas! Aw, man.
Kirk and McCoy discuss the weather (hot, with thin air and a 60% chance of impending doom) while Spock strikes a gong and is sort of dazedly cryptic.
The wedding party!
Kirk recognizes the leader as T'Pau, an immensely powerful Vulcan - the only person to ever turn down a seat in the Federation Council.
She's kind of awesome, even though she does seem to mix up her "thee"s and "thou"s. Clearly Spock's family's got prestige - we haven't met Sarek and Amanda yet, though.
T'Pring makes her entrance, followed by Awkward Guy, who doesn't say a whole lot. Also, a dude with a really big, sharp weapon of some sort. That always bodes well.
Live long and prosper!
I kind of love how she starts things off with "Spock, are our ceremonies for outworlders?" It's very "Spock, were those cookies for before dinner?"
Rather than hang his head and say "No" in a dejected tone of voice, Spock says, "They are not outworlders. They are my friends." Aww.
C'mon, man. They're my posse!
T'Pau's cool with that.
T'Pring totally checks Kirk out.
Spock pledges their good behaviour with his life.
Don't go getting any ideas there, Kirk.
Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle-
Spock is about to strike the gong thing again, but T'Pring jumps in and stops him. Just when you thought that plot couldn't get thicker!
Spock stalks off to go look menacing in a corner.
Don't worry; Kirk and McCoy are as confused as you are.
T'Pau explains that T'Pring has chosen "the challenge" and will choose her champion rather than just marry Spock. Harsh.
Aha! It looks like Awkward Guy's presence has been explained!
Kirk tries to talk to Spock, but that pesky Blood Fever is too strong, and Spock just glares at him.
Kirk and McCoy figure Spock probably won't be able to take Awkward Guy in his weakened state.
Aaand T'Pring chooses Kirk as her champion.
Wait, what? Awkward Guy is pissed. Kirk does a hilarious "who, me?" gesture that doesn't screencap well.
T'Pau explains that T'Pring is within her rights, but they don't want to impose their laws and customs on outworlders; Kirk's free to decline.
Spock breaks out of the Blood Fever long enough to protest that Kirk doesn't understand what will happen. "He does not know. I will do what I must, T'Pau. But not with him!"
T'Pau gets a little nasty and calls him on his half-human heritage (try saying that three times fast). Spock gets more upset and begs T'Pau to forbid Kirk's participation, but it's decided.
Kirk asks what'll happen to Spock if he declines. Awkward Guy, that's what happens - T'Pring picks another champion. We've already established that Spock's not in very good condition.
Kirk decides to try knocking Spock out without really hurting him. A cunning plan! Bones points out the fact that Kirk's not exactly used to the climate. Or the thin air.
We get some trippy camera angles as Kirk ponders this point.
"If I get into any trouble, I'll quit - and Spock wins, and honor is satisfied!" Clearly Kirk has attended the "Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong!" school of plots.
Kirk accepts the challenge.
...and starts getting a little worried.
Hang on, did T'Pau just use the phrase "If both survive"?
Uh, yeah. This combat's to the death, by the way. Would it have killed you to clarify, T'Pau?
This is Kirk's "oh shit" expression.
Kirk and McCoy protest the whole thing.
The guy with the big, sharp weapon protests their protest.
You break it, you bought it, Kirk.
And our heroes fight to the death! Complete with the famous "dah dah daah daah daah" music!
It just wouldn't be TOS if Kirk didn't lose some portion of his shirt.
Spock quickly gains the upper hand.
And yeah, he's kind of playing for keeps.
Both men lose their weapons, and T'Pau calls a time out.
McCoy argues that the air's too hot and thin for Kirk - it's not a fair fight.
Fortunately, McCoy's got a handy-dandy little hypo to compensate. T'Pau agrees to let him administer it.
Kirk's not doing so great, there.
"Now, be careful!"
"Sound medical advice."
Next, they get a kind of bola thing. Kirk doesn't know what to do with it.
Spock does!
Kirk gets into trouble. See what happens when you mention anything along the lines of "Nothing can possibly go wrong?"
Uh-oh. That's what happens. T'Pau calls a halt.
This, by the way, is Spock's "oh shit" expression.
McCoy jumps in. "It's finished. He's dead."
Spock has totally shut down at this point. Random guard looks oddly sympathetic.
"Strange as it may seem, you're in command now." McCoy asks Spock if he's got any orders. Spock tells him to get to the nearest Starbase so Spock can surrender himself to the authorities.
McCoy beams up with Kirk's body.
T'Pring explains, logically, to Spock that she went with the combat so she could be with Awkward Guy (I keep forgetting his name, there) - if Spock lost to Kirk, Kirk wouldn't be able to marry her anyway. If Kirk lost to Spock, he would likely free her from her bond anyway - and even if he didn't, he'd be away all the time, and she'd still have Awkward Guy around, as well as all of Spock's property. Either way, it works out pretty well for her.
Understandably, Spock's cool with letting T'Pring go. "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
"Live long and prosper, Spock."
"I shall do neither. I have killed my captain - and my friend."
Spock marches into Sickbay to resign.
McCoy and Chapel keep trying to interrupt, but Spock's on a self-pitying roll, here.
Oh, hey! That's sneaky, there, Kirk, coming back from the dead and all.
Bones and Chapel can't keep a straight face - poor Spock must be wondering what's so funny about resigning his commission.
"Don't you think you'd better check with me, first?"
"Jim!"
This is Spock's "wait, did I just totally betray my cool and emotionless Vulcan exterior?" expression.
Christmas has come early for McCoy. Let the teasing begin!
Spock regains his composure. "I am... pleased to see you, Captain. You seem... uninjured?"
Kirk explains that McCoy slipped him a neural paralyzer instead of a tri-ox compound, simulating death.
McCoy wants to know what happened with the girl! And the wedding! Gossip, please!
"Oh, yes, the girl, hmm, most interesting. It must have been the combat - when I thought I had killed the Captain, I found I had lost all interest in T'Pring. The madness was gone."
Before anyone can figure out what to do with that little bizarre sexual awakening, Uhura interrupts with a message from Starfleet.
Essentially, it reads "T'Pau kicked our asses and now we're okay with your delay to Vulcan. Sorry about all the bother."
"There's just one thing, Mr. Spock. You can't tell me, when you first saw Jim alive, that you weren't on the verge of giving us an emotional scene that would've brought the house down!"
"Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient captain."
"Yes, Mr. Spock, I understand."
"Thank you, Captain."
"Of course, Mr. Spock. Your reaction was quite logical."
"Thank you, Doctor."
"-in a pig's eye!"
The funniest thing is how they both turn around at that one. Heehee.
"C'mon, Spock, let's go mind the store."
All's well that ends well!
...except for that strange lizard thing on the wall behind McCoy,which proceeds to take over the Enterprise at Ludicrous Speed.
I was in a silly mood today, and that almost always means screencapping! Oh, yes.
I just had to cap "Amok Time", one of the strangest (and most widely known) episodes of Star Trek: TOS, because, hey! There are many amusing caps to be had. A kind of excessively long picspam-recap ensued. Excessively long as in 200 pictures. On the plus side, you don't even have to watch the episode! It's all there for you!
Here, then, is the episode that spawned a billion shag-or-die fics. It's also the first appearance of the planet Vulcan, and includes one of TV's most awkward birds-and-the-bees talks. Heehee.
We open with Kirk climbing a ladder. The passing crewmen wonder when he got too cool for the turbolifts.
In an example of wonderfully Unlikely Timing, McCoy just happens to come up behind him. I like to imagine he was just waiting at the door for the right moment. (Also, love Kirk's must-escape expression. Does he ever get to do whatever he's in such a hurry to do here?)
As it turns out, McCoy just wanted to ask Kirk if he's noticed any strange behaviour on Spock's part. Such as, you know, a tendency to throw soup at people.
Nope, Kirk's noticed absolutely-
Oh, that tendency to throw soup at people. (Also - poor Nurse Chapel's pining-for-Spock-let's-all-snicker subplot here always makes me cringe. She is far too awesome for this.)
Shouting-Across-the-Bridge Pilot!Spock - the sequel!
Kirk and McCoy are worried - this is, after all, the second season, and it seemed like Shouty!Spock got most of it out of his system earlier on.
Spock immediately requests a leave of absence to Vulcan. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Kirk is even more concerned!
Spock gets snippy with him and storms back into his quarters, which would probably have been more effective if the doors slammed instead of swishing.
Space! The final- yeah, yeah, yeah.
When we return, Kirk is demanding an explanation for Spock's request for a little R&R, which has basically never happened. Ever. It has also never involved soup-throwing, apparently.
Spock keeps interrupting and evading questions, but Kirk presses him, eventually resorting to guesses. Spock cuts it off before it becomes a full-fledged game of Twenty Questions: "Illness in the family?" "No." "Pet goldfish died?" "No." "Bizarre Vulcan mating rituals?" "No- wait, what?"
Kirk tries a new tack and tells him they've got good shore leave facilities on Altair VI, which is where the ship's headed anyway.
Spock doesn't even want to see the brochure.
Taking out his frustrations on a pen, he demands again to go to Vulcan.
"I need... rest," says Spock, which is, I suppose, one way of putting it.
Kirk agrees to accept that explanation at face value and calls up the bridge to order a detour to Vulcan on the way to Altair VI.
"I suppose most of us overlook the fact that even Vulcans aren't indestructable."
Those soup stains really add something to the decor, there.
Spock's hand shakes in an OMINOUS MANNER. "No, we're not."
Back on the bridge, Kirk's log entry is interrupted by "something's coming in on the Starfleet Channel". The Starfleet Channel: All Starfleet, All the Time!
As it turns out, Starfleet wants them to Altair VI even sooner for the inauguration ceremonies, which have been moved up seven days.
Spock is a little pissed at this unwarranted intrusion of plot.
Heeheehee, Chekov. Is this the one where his hair was too short and they made him wear a wig? He points out that they won't have time to stop off at Vulcan anymore.
Kirk spouts a bunch of clichés in an attempt to reassure Spock. "Sailor's luck!"
Spock quite understands. This is Kirk's concerned face.
Later, Kirk is lying awake and thinking of Spock. I mean. Um. Yes.
Eventually, he gives up and turns on his handy-dandy communicator thingie.
Chekov and his hair are always on duty!
Kirk asks how late they'd be if they blew off the inauguration to get Spock to Vulcan.
Chekov's all "What do you mean, if?" Apparently Spock has already ordered the course change. FURTHER THICKENING OF PLOT.
Oh, that wacky Spock.
Kirk is Very, Very Cross. Heehee.
Kirk orders Spock to come with him. Uhura is suspicious. Chekov just wants a chance to mess around with the nifty scanner thingie.
Man, they have a lot of awkward not-quite-eye-contact conversations in this episode. Kirk's getting good at demanding explanations for things, and proceeds to demand an explanation for the course change. Spock looks a little green around the gills. Er. Not so green around the gills?
Spock doesn't know what he's talking about - he accepts on Kirk's word that he changed the course, but has no recollection of having done so. THAT PLOT IS LIKE MOLASSES, it is thickening so.
Spock then asks Kirk to lock him up, stating that no Vulcan could explain this. "Ask no further questions I will not answer!"
Kirk orders him to report to Sickbay.
Spock dazedly wanders out of the turbolift and through the corridors.
McCoy is always ready! (Okay, I suppose in this case, Kirk probably let him know in advance what was going on.)
Spock wobbles over. "My orders were to report to Sickbay, doctor. I have done so. And now I'll go to my quarters."
McCoy's having none of that.
"C'mon, Spock. Yield to the logic of the situation."
Spock is pissed that McCoy brought logic into it, and reluctantly obeys, drumming on the side of the examination table as he does. Somewhere, the Master is giggling gleefully.
Meanwhile, on the bridge, Sulu and Chekov
McCoy rushes in and tells Kirk they've got to get Spock to Vulcan. Kirk's all "Yes, I was here for the first ten minutes of the episode, too, Bones."
But McCoy means STAT. "You don't get him to Vulcan within a week - eight days at the outside, he'll die!"
The camera does a hilariously fast zoom-in of HIGH DRAMA. "He'll die, Jim!"
This is Kirk's "why are you repeating yourself in a dramatic way?" expression.
After the commercials, Kirk has a little freakout, especially when McCoy admits he doesn't have a clue why Spock's dying.
At this point, I accidentally kick the plugin for my external hard drive and this happens. Cue freakout of my own. Fortunately, no damage was done.
McCoy explains that Spock's basically on a constant adrenaline high, which is not as fun as it sounds, since it tends to end in death.
What's more, Spock seems to know what the problem is, and won't tell him.
Kirk marches out to have a little talk with Spock.
When we rejoin Spock in his quarters, he's staring at a picture of a small Vulcan girl. This might just be an awkward conversation, there.
Kirk storms in and - you guessed it - demands to know what's going on. Actually, he asks nicely this time, because he's worried.
He notices Spock's OMINOUSLY SHAKING hand and grabs it.
Spock is not so much with the eye contact again.
Kirk switches the argument back to a professional one, stating that, as Spock's the best First Officer in the fleet, losing him would be a big deal for Kirk.
That finally seems to sink in. "It is a thing no outworlder may know - except those very few who have been involved." So, basically, Vulcans get incredibly embarrassed about it.
Kirk finally comes right out and orders him to explain.
"Captain, there are some things which transcend even the discipline of the Service."
And, cleverly, Kirk brings it back to a personal thing.
He promises to treat it as totally confidential.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Awkward Sex Talk 101, which must be transcribed in its entirety for optimum lulz:
"It has to do with... biology."
"...what?"
"Biology!"
"What... kind of biology?"
"Vulcan! Biology!"
"You mean the... biology... of... Vulcans?"
(There is possibly an element of don't-crack-up-don't-crack-up at work here.)
"Biology as in... reproduction?"
"Well, there's no need to be, uh, embarrassed about it, Mr. Spock. It happens to the birds and the bees!"
(Spock can't believe he's having this conversation.)
"The birds and the bees are not Vulcans, Captain."
Spock goes on to explain that, since Vulcans are so logical, they tend to freak out quite a lot over the... birds and the bees of "this time".
"How do Vulcans choose their mates? Haven't you wondered?"
"I guess the rest of us assume that it's done... quite logically."
I'm now picturing a sort of Vulcan internet dating service, matching up likes and dislikes and, um, degree of point to the ear and such. Oh, dear.
As it turns out, not exactly.
It's all ritual and custom and such, but definitely not logical. Basically, for those who may not have come across the Pon Farr before in the gallons of fanfic it has spawned, the idea is that Vulcans totally lose their minds every seven years and have to mate to survive. Yes, that's right. The whole race is one big shag-or-die fic. You'd probably be embarrassed, too.
Yes, I'll take "Unprecedented Levels of Awkward" for $500, please.
Spock starts prattling about eel-birds and salmon. Kirk's looking a little dazed, there. Heehee.
To sum up: Spock's going to Vulcan to get hitched. Kirk looks less than enthused at the prospect of planning the bachelor party.
Kirk agrees to keep it all a secret and storms out to
Uhura contacts Spock, who goes all HULK SMASH on his viewscreen.
The Admiral's not so sure about this whole running-off-to-Vulcan-for-no-apparent-reason thing. There are plots to be had at Altair VI! Plots involving... inaugurations! Goodness. Why would anyone turn that down?
Basically, if they show up to the inauguration, it'll help show a sign of strength and/or friendship and generally go a long ways towards Universal Peace. Oh.
Since Kirk won't provide explanations, and the Admiral isn't as much of an expert in demanding them, he just orders Kirk not to delay and has done with it.
Kirk paces around and reasons that they probably wouldn't be missed anyway, right? Right?
Bones grouches at Kirk, Kirk snaps at Bones, and eventually he decides to risk his career to get Spock to Vulcan. "I owe him my life a dozen times over. Isn't that worth a career? He's my friend."
Kirk calls up the bridge and orders - you guessed it - another course change to Vulcan.
Fortunately, Chekov's been watching the show, has spotted the pattern, and has already plotted the course. That's efficiency, folks!
Meanwhile, Chapel goes to check on Spock.
...who proceeds to tell her about this dream he had. Little-known fact: most Vulcan pickup lines seem to involve soup.
After soup, our heroes ride a turbolift! (I love it when these things go sideways instead of up-and-down. Don't ask me why.) Anyway, apparently McCoy is full of Convenient Plot lately and has figured out Spock's problem. Spock compliments him on his insight, which, if they hadn't figured it out already, would be the first sign of trouble.
Spock tells Kirk that the madness Vulcans undergo is something he'd probably "find distasteful". Kirk seems pretty cool with that.
In that case, Spock asks Kirk to beam down and stand with him for a "brief ceremony". Oh, yes. Because those can't possibly go wrong! In any case, it's Spock's right to bring his closest friends with him, even offworlders. Aww.
Kirk is honored.
Just as they're leaving, Spock asks McCoy along as well. (And gets a double-take in reply, heehee.)
"I shall be honored, sir." McCoy says it sincerely enough, but you just know he's never gonna let Spock forget this.
Our heroes chat with Vulcan Space Central for a while, and amusingly don't move from this lineup for a ridiculously long time.
And it's a grown-up version of the little girl Spock was looking at! T'Pring, the one he's been betrothed to since he was seven. They exchange vaguely creepy ceremonial greetings. It's all very, um, unemotional, I guess.
Kirk's expressions are just amusing. That's all I can say.
Our heroes beam down to Vulcan!
This is, apparently, the land of Spock's family, where they've got to wait for the wedding party.
"In the distant past, Vulcans killed to win their mates." Shhh, Kirk! Don't give them any ideas! Aw, man.
Kirk and McCoy discuss the weather (hot, with thin air and a 60% chance of impending doom) while Spock strikes a gong and is sort of dazedly cryptic.
The wedding party!
Kirk recognizes the leader as T'Pau, an immensely powerful Vulcan - the only person to ever turn down a seat in the Federation Council.
She's kind of awesome, even though she does seem to mix up her "thee"s and "thou"s. Clearly Spock's family's got prestige - we haven't met Sarek and Amanda yet, though.
T'Pring makes her entrance, followed by Awkward Guy, who doesn't say a whole lot. Also, a dude with a really big, sharp weapon of some sort. That always bodes well.
Live long and prosper!
I kind of love how she starts things off with "Spock, are our ceremonies for outworlders?" It's very "Spock, were those cookies for before dinner?"
Rather than hang his head and say "No" in a dejected tone of voice, Spock says, "They are not outworlders. They are my friends." Aww.
C'mon, man. They're my posse!
T'Pau's cool with that.
T'Pring totally checks Kirk out.
Spock pledges their good behaviour with his life.
Don't go getting any ideas there, Kirk.
Jingle bells! Jingle bells! Jingle-
Spock is about to strike the gong thing again, but T'Pring jumps in and stops him. Just when you thought that plot couldn't get thicker!
Spock stalks off to go look menacing in a corner.
Don't worry; Kirk and McCoy are as confused as you are.
T'Pau explains that T'Pring has chosen "the challenge" and will choose her champion rather than just marry Spock. Harsh.
Aha! It looks like Awkward Guy's presence has been explained!
Kirk tries to talk to Spock, but that pesky Blood Fever is too strong, and Spock just glares at him.
Kirk and McCoy figure Spock probably won't be able to take Awkward Guy in his weakened state.
Aaand T'Pring chooses Kirk as her champion.
Wait, what? Awkward Guy is pissed. Kirk does a hilarious "who, me?" gesture that doesn't screencap well.
T'Pau explains that T'Pring is within her rights, but they don't want to impose their laws and customs on outworlders; Kirk's free to decline.
Spock breaks out of the Blood Fever long enough to protest that Kirk doesn't understand what will happen. "He does not know. I will do what I must, T'Pau. But not with him!"
T'Pau gets a little nasty and calls him on his half-human heritage (try saying that three times fast). Spock gets more upset and begs T'Pau to forbid Kirk's participation, but it's decided.
Kirk asks what'll happen to Spock if he declines. Awkward Guy, that's what happens - T'Pring picks another champion. We've already established that Spock's not in very good condition.
Kirk decides to try knocking Spock out without really hurting him. A cunning plan! Bones points out the fact that Kirk's not exactly used to the climate. Or the thin air.
We get some trippy camera angles as Kirk ponders this point.
"If I get into any trouble, I'll quit - and Spock wins, and honor is satisfied!" Clearly Kirk has attended the "Nothing Can Possibly Go Wrong!" school of plots.
Kirk accepts the challenge.
...and starts getting a little worried.
Hang on, did T'Pau just use the phrase "If both survive"?
Uh, yeah. This combat's to the death, by the way. Would it have killed you to clarify, T'Pau?
This is Kirk's "oh shit" expression.
Kirk and McCoy protest the whole thing.
The guy with the big, sharp weapon protests their protest.
You break it, you bought it, Kirk.
And our heroes fight to the death! Complete with the famous "dah dah daah daah daah" music!
It just wouldn't be TOS if Kirk didn't lose some portion of his shirt.
Spock quickly gains the upper hand.
And yeah, he's kind of playing for keeps.
Both men lose their weapons, and T'Pau calls a time out.
McCoy argues that the air's too hot and thin for Kirk - it's not a fair fight.
Fortunately, McCoy's got a handy-dandy little hypo to compensate. T'Pau agrees to let him administer it.
Kirk's not doing so great, there.
"Now, be careful!"
"Sound medical advice."
Next, they get a kind of bola thing. Kirk doesn't know what to do with it.
Spock does!
Kirk gets into trouble. See what happens when you mention anything along the lines of "Nothing can possibly go wrong?"
Uh-oh. That's what happens. T'Pau calls a halt.
This, by the way, is Spock's "oh shit" expression.
McCoy jumps in. "It's finished. He's dead."
Spock has totally shut down at this point. Random guard looks oddly sympathetic.
"Strange as it may seem, you're in command now." McCoy asks Spock if he's got any orders. Spock tells him to get to the nearest Starbase so Spock can surrender himself to the authorities.
McCoy beams up with Kirk's body.
T'Pring explains, logically, to Spock that she went with the combat so she could be with Awkward Guy (I keep forgetting his name, there) - if Spock lost to Kirk, Kirk wouldn't be able to marry her anyway. If Kirk lost to Spock, he would likely free her from her bond anyway - and even if he didn't, he'd be away all the time, and she'd still have Awkward Guy around, as well as all of Spock's property. Either way, it works out pretty well for her.
Understandably, Spock's cool with letting T'Pring go. "After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing, after all, as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true."
"Live long and prosper, Spock."
"I shall do neither. I have killed my captain - and my friend."
Spock marches into Sickbay to resign.
McCoy and Chapel keep trying to interrupt, but Spock's on a self-pitying roll, here.
Oh, hey! That's sneaky, there, Kirk, coming back from the dead and all.
Bones and Chapel can't keep a straight face - poor Spock must be wondering what's so funny about resigning his commission.
"Don't you think you'd better check with me, first?"
"Jim!"
This is Spock's "wait, did I just totally betray my cool and emotionless Vulcan exterior?" expression.
Christmas has come early for McCoy. Let the teasing begin!
Spock regains his composure. "I am... pleased to see you, Captain. You seem... uninjured?"
Kirk explains that McCoy slipped him a neural paralyzer instead of a tri-ox compound, simulating death.
McCoy wants to know what happened with the girl! And the wedding! Gossip, please!
"Oh, yes, the girl, hmm, most interesting. It must have been the combat - when I thought I had killed the Captain, I found I had lost all interest in T'Pring. The madness was gone."
Before anyone can figure out what to do with that little bizarre sexual awakening, Uhura interrupts with a message from Starfleet.
Essentially, it reads "T'Pau kicked our asses and now we're okay with your delay to Vulcan. Sorry about all the bother."
"There's just one thing, Mr. Spock. You can't tell me, when you first saw Jim alive, that you weren't on the verge of giving us an emotional scene that would've brought the house down!"
"Merely my quite logical relief that Starfleet had not lost a highly proficient captain."
"Yes, Mr. Spock, I understand."
"Thank you, Captain."
"Of course, Mr. Spock. Your reaction was quite logical."
"Thank you, Doctor."
"-in a pig's eye!"
The funniest thing is how they both turn around at that one. Heehee.
"C'mon, Spock, let's go mind the store."
All's well that ends well!
...except for that strange lizard thing on the wall behind McCoy,
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Date: 2008-12-22 12:58 pm (UTC)This is Spock's "wait, did I just totally betray my cool and emotionless Vulcan exterior?" expression.
I love the scene where Spock realises Jim isn't dead - Nimoy does such a fantastic segue from grinning with joy to attempting to look indifferent.
Also, what the hell was up with Chekov's hair? Or is it actually a hat made of tribbles?
no subject
Date: 2008-12-23 01:56 am (UTC)Nimoy does such a fantastic segue from grinning with joy to attempting to look indifferent.
Yes! He even straightens his shirt and everything. It's hilarious.
Or is it actually a hat made of tribbles?
I think this is now my personal canon. It does seem to get suspiciously fluffier as the series goes on.