Further Food!Squee (with RECIPES)
Jun. 24th, 2007 05:14 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
eponymous_roseOkay, so I decided to make my famous Five-Minute Teriyaki Tofu Stirfry of Power (TM). And then I decided to tell all of you my sekrits.
I am not a gourmet chef. In fact, I'm not even a remotely competent chef. But I do like food! And I like cheap food, and quick food. All dollar figures below are in Canadian currency, if you're really that concerned about it.
This recipe is rated PG-13 for dodgy analogies. I won't be held responsible for any injuries that occur as a result of attempting to cook this food in the order I've given. Heehee.
Okay, I'm done with the silly. Really, I am.
I am not a gourmet chef. In fact, I'm not even a remotely competent chef. But I do like food! And I like cheap food, and quick food. All dollar figures below are in Canadian currency, if you're really that concerned about it.
This recipe is rated PG-13 for dodgy analogies. I won't be held responsible for any injuries that occur as a result of attempting to cook this food in the order I've given. Heehee.
My tofu. Let me show you it.
Okay, so the presentation's pretty lame. Um. I blame laziness. Because that's what this meal is all about! (It's so good, my iPod plugin's getting ready to pounce...)
So you've come home after a long day at work, filling in numbers, balancing the budget, lying to the police about the bodies in the trunk, and you just want to relax. Your stomach growls, reminding you that the last time you ate was that chocolate bar you stole from the kid on the skateboard as you fled the law.
But it's been a pretty typical day, so far, in the midst of a pretty typical week (though once the FBI catches wind of this, things could start heating up!). You want a change from your usual pizza pockets of sin. And, um. Whatnot.
So! You raid the fridge. Not much to speak of - just some inexpensive stuff you picked up, apparently at random.
In fact, the contents of your fridge are approximately as follows:
- 2 (two) blocks of firm tofu, about yea big. Um. Let's see. About twice the size of the credit cards you forged last week, and maybe an inch thick. This'll run you about two or three dollars depending on how many vegetarian university students live in your area, and you can usually get it with the teriyaki sauce included.
- 1 (one) bunch of cilantro/coriander, about the amount of hair you could pull from someone's head in a struggle. This will usually cost you almost nothing (maybe fifty cents for a giant pile of it), so get ready to weep as it eventually goes bad.
- 1 (one) bottle of teriyaki sauce, in case you couldn't get it with the tofu (now that's thinking ahead!).
- a random quantity (some) of your favourite veggies. I recommend bell peppers and green beans. Eggplant/aubergine would probably be pretty awesome as well. Something colourful and sort of juicy works best.
You wonder why on Earth your freshly stolen fridge is so sparsely stocked today. You also ignore the freezer, because that's where you're keeping the organs. Weirdo.
Better check the cupboards while you're at it (no, not the one with the semi-automatics! The one next to it! There! No, over one! Yes! That's the one.)
They contain:
- 5 (five) mL of corn starch (you must have very tiny boxes)
- a couple (some) tablespoons of vegetable oil
You've also got some 25 mL of water (I'm not entirely sure why you'd just keep that around, but whatever. It's your kitchen.). So what can you do with your pathetic stock of stuff?
You can cook yourself a fantabulous meal with lots of, um, nutrients. And such. It's good!
Take all that stuff out of its respective cupboards (leave the severed hand! Just take what I mentioned! Jeez!) and strew it randomly across the kitchen so you haven't a hope of finding it again. Track down a cutting board and knife (no, that one's still got blood on it. A clean one. Just a little one. Yeah, that'll work. Hey, put that down! Don't threaten me - I'm telling you how to cook a delicious and nutritious and affordable meal in five minutes!)
Now, slice the tofu into bite-sized cubes - if it's the sort of tofu that comes in its own sauce, make sure not to spill the sauce all over the floor, especially since they just put that hardwood in and man was that a pain to clean up. Um. Anyway. Keep the sauce. Set that sliced tofu aside.
At this point, you'll want to put a big frying pan/wok on the stove and start heating a couple tablespoons of vegetable oil (do you remember where you set that down? Do you? DO YOU??? Oh. Well, that's good, then.) While that's heating, look around frantically for the cilantro/coriander. You might want to turn down the heat for this, especially if you inexplicably set the cilantro in a drawer in another room. That was awfully silly of you.
In any case, while your oil is bubbling angrily (which means your heat's still up too high), frantically dice the stems only of the coriander/cilantro. Make sure to keep the leaves! Most people use cilantro as a garnish only. Of course, most people aren't on the FBI's Most Wanted. You can't trust most people. And besides, the stems actually have much more flavour to them. Yum!
Anyway, the oil's bubbling. You're falling behind! Quick! Dump the cilantro stems into the oil and fry them around a little between nursing your burns from the spitting oil. Things should start to smell a little bit tasty. That's good. If you see smoke, run outside and call your insurance agents from a pay phone.
Okay, hurry! Before the cilantro burns, dump the tofu into the pan/wok. Stir a little bit and add the sauce - not too much, just a couple of tablespoons of actual sauce, or whatever was left in the teriyaki tofu package. Obviously, this isn't going to do a whole lot. This is why you should've stirred together the 25 mL of water and the 5 mL of corn starch a while ago! Ack! Quick! Hurry up and do that before it all burns!
Make sure the corn starch and water are all stirred up before you dump 'em on top of the rest, because otherwise you'll just have a cake of starch at the bottom of your little bowl and a lot of water in your stirfry. Not fun. You could try throwing the starch!cake at someone as a distraction during a robbery, though. Just a thought.
Take a breather and admire your handiwork.
Gotcha! You were supposed to keep stirring! The sauce thickens extremely fast, so do that right away or you'll just have globs of sauce everywhere!
And, oh. You know what? You probably should've chopped up your vegetables before now. Just sayin'.
So now you'll have to stir with one hand and chop veggies with the other. Good job.
You'll probably only use half of the bell pepper, so you can save the other half for a second meal (or, y'know, to throw at someone as a distraction during a robbery). Bite-sized pieces are the rule, so cut the green beans in half, too. I haven't the faintest idea how you'd go about preparing an aubergine/eggplant. So, uh, do that.
Add your veggies and make sure they're well-coated in sauce. By now, the tofu should be looking a little browned. That's good. If the tofu looks black and flamey, run outside and call your insurance agents from a pay phone.
In fact, all you really need to do now is wait for the veggies to soften a little bit. No, don't stop stirring! Remember? The sauce doing its hyperactive congealing thing? Careful!
If the sauce does seem unusually thick, just add some more water (if you have any handy). You can do a little tasting and make sure you've got enough spice (if not, add more cilantro leaves).
Once the veggies seem a little mooshy (the green beans are gonna be what holds the thing up. Slackers, the lot of 'em.), it's pretty safe to say it's almost done. Add the cilantro leaves as garnish and do a little victory dance for not having burned the house down in the process. If, of course, you didn't burn the house down in the process. If you did, and didn't listen to what I said about calling your insurance agents, you'll probably be facing an arson charge. That kinda sucks, hey?
Oh, but quick! Take it off the heat! It's done already - you don't need to burn it to death (hey! Don't get any ideas, now...).
So plunk it in a bowl and you're done! Believe it or not, all that rushing about and possibly not burning things will only have taken about ten minutes. WHICH IS WHY THIS IS A FIVE-MINUTE RECIPE! They're always wrong about that sort of thing, anyway.
Anyway, very little time has passed, and you can now settle down for a delicious meal before your midnight robbery (don't forget those items I told you to pack!). After all, what criminal can focus on an empty stomach?
Okay, so the presentation's pretty lame. Um. I blame laziness. Because that's what this meal is all about! (It's so good, my iPod plugin's getting ready to pounce...)
So you've come home after a long day at work, filling in numbers, balancing the budget, lying to the police about the bodies in the trunk, and you just want to relax. Your stomach growls, reminding you that the last time you ate was that chocolate bar you stole from the kid on the skateboard as you fled the law.
But it's been a pretty typical day, so far, in the midst of a pretty typical week (though once the FBI catches wind of this, things could start heating up!). You want a change from your usual pizza pockets of sin. And, um. Whatnot.
So! You raid the fridge. Not much to speak of - just some inexpensive stuff you picked up, apparently at random.
In fact, the contents of your fridge are approximately as follows:
- 2 (two) blocks of firm tofu, about yea big. Um. Let's see. About twice the size of the credit cards you forged last week, and maybe an inch thick. This'll run you about two or three dollars depending on how many vegetarian university students live in your area, and you can usually get it with the teriyaki sauce included.
- 1 (one) bunch of cilantro/coriander, about the amount of hair you could pull from someone's head in a struggle. This will usually cost you almost nothing (maybe fifty cents for a giant pile of it), so get ready to weep as it eventually goes bad.
- 1 (one) bottle of teriyaki sauce, in case you couldn't get it with the tofu (now that's thinking ahead!).
- a random quantity (some) of your favourite veggies. I recommend bell peppers and green beans. Eggplant/aubergine would probably be pretty awesome as well. Something colourful and sort of juicy works best.
You wonder why on Earth your freshly stolen fridge is so sparsely stocked today. You also ignore the freezer, because that's where you're keeping the organs. Weirdo.
Better check the cupboards while you're at it (no, not the one with the semi-automatics! The one next to it! There! No, over one! Yes! That's the one.)
They contain:
- 5 (five) mL of corn starch (you must have very tiny boxes)
- a couple (some) tablespoons of vegetable oil
You've also got some 25 mL of water (I'm not entirely sure why you'd just keep that around, but whatever. It's your kitchen.). So what can you do with your pathetic stock of stuff?
You can cook yourself a fantabulous meal with lots of, um, nutrients. And such. It's good!
Take all that stuff out of its respective cupboards (leave the severed hand! Just take what I mentioned! Jeez!) and strew it randomly across the kitchen so you haven't a hope of finding it again. Track down a cutting board and knife (no, that one's still got blood on it. A clean one. Just a little one. Yeah, that'll work. Hey, put that down! Don't threaten me - I'm telling you how to cook a delicious and nutritious and affordable meal in five minutes!)
Now, slice the tofu into bite-sized cubes - if it's the sort of tofu that comes in its own sauce, make sure not to spill the sauce all over the floor, especially since they just put that hardwood in and man was that a pain to clean up. Um. Anyway. Keep the sauce. Set that sliced tofu aside.
At this point, you'll want to put a big frying pan/wok on the stove and start heating a couple tablespoons of vegetable oil (do you remember where you set that down? Do you? DO YOU??? Oh. Well, that's good, then.) While that's heating, look around frantically for the cilantro/coriander. You might want to turn down the heat for this, especially if you inexplicably set the cilantro in a drawer in another room. That was awfully silly of you.
In any case, while your oil is bubbling angrily (which means your heat's still up too high), frantically dice the stems only of the coriander/cilantro. Make sure to keep the leaves! Most people use cilantro as a garnish only. Of course, most people aren't on the FBI's Most Wanted. You can't trust most people. And besides, the stems actually have much more flavour to them. Yum!
Anyway, the oil's bubbling. You're falling behind! Quick! Dump the cilantro stems into the oil and fry them around a little between nursing your burns from the spitting oil. Things should start to smell a little bit tasty. That's good. If you see smoke, run outside and call your insurance agents from a pay phone.
Okay, hurry! Before the cilantro burns, dump the tofu into the pan/wok. Stir a little bit and add the sauce - not too much, just a couple of tablespoons of actual sauce, or whatever was left in the teriyaki tofu package. Obviously, this isn't going to do a whole lot. This is why you should've stirred together the 25 mL of water and the 5 mL of corn starch a while ago! Ack! Quick! Hurry up and do that before it all burns!
Make sure the corn starch and water are all stirred up before you dump 'em on top of the rest, because otherwise you'll just have a cake of starch at the bottom of your little bowl and a lot of water in your stirfry. Not fun. You could try throwing the starch!cake at someone as a distraction during a robbery, though. Just a thought.
Take a breather and admire your handiwork.
Gotcha! You were supposed to keep stirring! The sauce thickens extremely fast, so do that right away or you'll just have globs of sauce everywhere!
And, oh. You know what? You probably should've chopped up your vegetables before now. Just sayin'.
So now you'll have to stir with one hand and chop veggies with the other. Good job.
You'll probably only use half of the bell pepper, so you can save the other half for a second meal (or, y'know, to throw at someone as a distraction during a robbery). Bite-sized pieces are the rule, so cut the green beans in half, too. I haven't the faintest idea how you'd go about preparing an aubergine/eggplant. So, uh, do that.
Add your veggies and make sure they're well-coated in sauce. By now, the tofu should be looking a little browned. That's good. If the tofu looks black and flamey, run outside and call your insurance agents from a pay phone.
In fact, all you really need to do now is wait for the veggies to soften a little bit. No, don't stop stirring! Remember? The sauce doing its hyperactive congealing thing? Careful!
If the sauce does seem unusually thick, just add some more water (if you have any handy). You can do a little tasting and make sure you've got enough spice (if not, add more cilantro leaves).
Once the veggies seem a little mooshy (the green beans are gonna be what holds the thing up. Slackers, the lot of 'em.), it's pretty safe to say it's almost done. Add the cilantro leaves as garnish and do a little victory dance for not having burned the house down in the process. If, of course, you didn't burn the house down in the process. If you did, and didn't listen to what I said about calling your insurance agents, you'll probably be facing an arson charge. That kinda sucks, hey?
Oh, but quick! Take it off the heat! It's done already - you don't need to burn it to death (hey! Don't get any ideas, now...).
So plunk it in a bowl and you're done! Believe it or not, all that rushing about and possibly not burning things will only have taken about ten minutes. WHICH IS WHY THIS IS A FIVE-MINUTE RECIPE! They're always wrong about that sort of thing, anyway.
Anyway, very little time has passed, and you can now settle down for a delicious meal before your midnight robbery (don't forget those items I told you to pack!). After all, what criminal can focus on an empty stomach?
Okay, I'm done with the silly. Really, I am.
