Doctor Who | Death by Chocolate

[eponymous_rose]

Title: Death by Chocolate
Word Count: 1030
Rating: G
Characters: Sarah Jane Smith, Jack Harkness, Tenth Doctor, Luke Smith
Author's Note: For fleurette, who requested Ten, Sarah Jane, Jack, and chocolate. Thanks to tigerkat24 and oldstarnewshine for the beta!



In retrospect, it was surprising that this sort of thing didn't happen more often.

Amid various and sundry crashes, explosions, and the lunatic ravings of something that looked like a chocolate fondue gone horribly wrong, three doors opened simultaneously, and three brave individuals stormed in, weapons and/or wits at the ready. In the beginning stages of their three heroic speeches, it was only a matter of time before three noble visages crossed glances.

"Oh," said Sarah Jane.

"Hello," said Jack.

"Stop that," said the Doctor, and also: "What?"

"Ah," said the mass of megalomaniacal mousse. "Do you know each other, then? Small world."

Jack, typically, was the first to recover. "You still planning on taking it over?"

To its credit, their opponent took the time to ponder the question, dripping menacingly. "I'm an artificially engineered chocolate-human hybrid bent on global domination. It's what I do."

"That's a shame," said Sarah. "You see, we're rather fond of this planet. And, much as we enjoy chocolate, we're morally obligated to stop your fiendish plot."

"It's what we do," added Jack.

Sarah advanced, sonic lipstick at the ready. "We've had some measure of practise, after all."

"Nothing personal," Jack said, and shot her a sidelong grin. "We roll out the red carpet for all the bad guys."

"Then prepare to meet your delicious demise," said the creature. "Any last words?"

Three illustrious heroes exchanged glances.

"What?" said the Doctor, weakly.

Afterwards, they went to Sarah Jane's house for tea.

The Doctor glowered at Jack over his biscuit. "Well, how was I to know you'd rigged explosives to the warehouse's alarm system? I mean, who does that?"

"You go around waving a sonic screwdriver where it's not meant to be, you're gonna set something off," Jack said. "Occupational hazard. I'd have thought you'd have learned that by now."

"You did nearly destroy the entire warehouse," Sarah pointed out.

Jack leaned back in his chair. "Worked, didn't it?"

"Yes, but-" The Doctor paused. "Oh, there's a thought. Picture having to clean up after that."

They lapsed into a contemplative silence, and, after a moment, shuddered in unison.

"So," said Jack. "Long time no see. What have you two been up to all this time?"

"Oh, you know," said Sarah. "Saving the world from angry alien invaders. Fostering diplomatic relations with friendly alien invaders. Making sure Clyde doesn't one day manage to convince Luke to stop doing his homework altogether. That sort of thing."

"Same here," said the Doctor, and added, hastily, "Minus the Luke and Clyde bit."

Sarah and Jack stared at him.

"I suppose I said that a bit too quickly, didn't I?" the Doctor said.

"I don't imagine this has anything to do with that evening they both went missing and refuse to tell me where they went?" said Sarah.

Jack shuffled back in his chair.

"Ah," said the Doctor. "Well. I'll explain later."

"Oh, and don't think you can-"

"Yes, this tea is really excellent, isn't it?" said Jack, loudly. "I think so. Do you think so? I certainly think so."

There was a clatter from the kitchen, nearly drowned out by Jack's sigh of relief as both the Doctor and Sarah Jane turned in their chairs.

"Mum," Luke called, "I thought you said there was a packet of Frazzles back here."

The Doctor blinked. "Frazzles?"

"He finds the shape endlessly fascinating," Sarah said, by way of explanation. "Luke, they should be in the cupboard to the left of the-"

"Found them!"

Sarah rolled her eyes. "Why is it that teenagers have such a hopeless memory? He put those crisps in the cupboard himself only this morning."

The Doctor sank back in his chair, nearly spilling his tea in the process. "Right, what were we-" He paused. "Wait. No. New topic. What have you been getting up to, Jack?"

"What have I been getting up to?" Jack grinned. "Do you really want me to answer that?"

"You know what," said the Doctor. "Why don't I just sit here and stop talking?"

There was another clatter from the kitchen, this one more ominous than the last.

"Erm," said Luke, poking his head into the room. "Mum?"

"In the drawer under the sink," said Sarah, without looking up.

"Um," said Luke. "Helpful as that is, it's not quite what I had in mind. Mum, I think these Frazzles are sentient."

Jack perked up. "Sentient?"

The Doctor shot him a long-suffering glare. "Must you?"

Sarah was already heading for the kitchen. "What do you mean?"

"They've begun an occupation of the cutlery drawer and, last I checked, they were demanding the surrender of the crock pot," said Luke.

"Just a hunch, then," said Jack.

A voice, magnified considerably beyond the usual timbre of an average, garden-variety packet of crisps, boomed from the kitchen. "And who shall be my champion in battle? Who shall lead us to salty victory amid the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune?"

"Just when you thought it was safe to go into the kitchen," Jack said.

The Doctor gaped. "Where would a packet of crisps learn Shakespeare?"

"Right," Sarah said, after a moment. "Because all the crisps I've ever encountered have been particularly poorly versed in the classics."

"Frazzles everywhere! We march on Buckingham Palace at sunrise!"

"That's probably not good," said the Doctor.

"It would be worth seeing, though," said Jack. "All those little bacon-shaped chips marching in rows."

"I suppose we'd better put a stop to this," said Sarah.

"Well," said the Doctor, "I guess we could always contact the relevant authorities and let them deal with the problem, for once."

"If you choose not to pledge allegiance to your rasher-styled overlords, you shall be annihilated!"

"On the other hand," said Jack, "I think in this case we might just be the relevant authorities."

"Fair enough," said Sarah. "Shall we?"

"Oh, I think we shall," said the Doctor.

All in all, three people have a tendency to save the universe far more often than most. And if they happen to use somewhat unconventional means to battle somewhat unconventional foes, it's only because the universe has this nasty habit of being somewhat unconventional to begin with.

All the same, some days are stranger than others.

Comments

[purple_bug.livejournal.com]

*cries with laughter*

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Glad you enjoyed it, thanks! :D