Okay, okay. I caved.

[eponymous_rose]

My very first comment at who_anon, and I didn't even go anon for it. I fail at being sneaky. D:

And am doing the whole BNF-related freakout again, because. Scary to be considered a Big Name Fan with all of one year in fandom. Really, a bit. This is not the first time, either.

LJ is so strange. I go around friending people who confess to being too shy to friend me, and then I realise that there is still a sizeable list of people I am too shy to friend. Social awkwardness at its best!

So that got me to thinking. What do you look for in an LJ friend? Someone whose fic you enjoy? Whose opinions you share? Who is or isn't part of a certain community? Who might post something interesting at some point and so deserves to be watched? Do you take it personally when people defriend? I am curious! (Feel free to anon if need be.)

For friending others, I tend to do it only if we've chatted a couple times and/or share lots of common interests, due to the above shyness factor. If someone friends me, I usually friend back even if we haven't chatted, so long as said person's journal is updated once in a while with stuff that catches my interest. Defriendings don't bother me, because people move on! I do tend to be a bit single-minded, yes, and if you're not interested in the contents of that single mind, I can only imagine how excruciating it might be.

Anyway, yes! Thoughts?

Comments

[tigerkat24.livejournal.com]

I'm reasonably sure that I friended you because Myranda said you were awesome. And she was right!
(out of curiousity, what time is it for you? This whole time-zones thing is throwing me.)

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

I think when I posted this it was about 1:30 AM. Far too late for me to be up on a work day, anyway. ;)

[persiflage-1.livejournal.com]

I tend to be wary about Friending people I've not seen around LJ (eg commenting on stuff on the comms) because I've had to deal with trolls in the past (although not since I made anon commenting impossible and started screening comments from non-Friends. Yes, the internet made me paranoid.

I generally wait for others to Friend me unless I'm participating in a Friending meme (being shy also !). I have Friended people for the sake of their fic, their art work or discussions/conversations I've had with them.

I do mind being deFriended simply for expressing my personal opinions - particularly if I'm expressing my personal opinions in my personal LJ, 'cos Hello? That's what it's there for!

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

I do mind being deFriended simply for expressing my personal opinions - particularly if I'm expressing my personal opinions in my personal LJ, 'cos Hello? That's what it's there for!

Ooh, yes, that can be awkward. On the other hand, you can look at it from the POV of the people friending you who just use their flist as a reading list. If they disagree with your personal opinions, and they don't really want to read about them, defriending is often the only way to go about doing that, I guess? It's a wonky system, though - like someone mentioned below, calling it a "Friends List" makes things all kinds of awkward, and also makes people more inclined to take defriendings personally.

Madness! Madness, I say!

[persiflage-1.livejournal.com]

Ooh, yes, that can be awkward. On the other hand, you can look at it from the POV of the people friending you who just use their flist as a reading list. If they disagree with your personal opinions, and they don't really want to read about them, defriending is often the only way to go about doing that, I guess? It's a wonky system, though - like someone mentioned below, calling it a "Friends List" makes things all kinds of awkward, and also makes people more inclined to take defriendings personally.

Madness! Madness, I say!

Well they could just scroll past that stuff and stick to reading my fic ! *shrugs*...

[settiai]

Well, I'm not sure if you've noticed, but my friends list is kinda insanely huge... ;-)

To be honest, I friend people for all sorts of different reasons. It might be because I like their fanfiction (*waves at you*)/fanart/songvids/etc., because they have a ton of fandoms in common with me, because I met them at a con, because we have a lot of mutual friends and they seem interesting, because I've seen them make a lot of posts in communities I belong to, because I live with them in real life and forced them to create a LJ in the first place, or a million other reasons.

It's really weird considering how shy I am in real life, but I have no problem friending people who I've never even spoken to - even BNFs. (Hey, does this mean I can say that I knew you before you were a BNF? Or have you just been one for ages and ages without me ever realizing? *sheepish grin* That tends to happen a lot to me. I'm slightly oblivious, if you haven't noticed by now.) I tend to comment more in their journals if people friend me back, but I still pop in with comments every now and then even if they don't.

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Popping in with comments even if people don't friend back right away is a good way to go about doing it! Your friending policy is all kinds of awesome. :D

[wondygal.livejournal.com]

I feel compelled to calm you down about your BNF-ness freak-out, but I totally think you're awesome. I think BNF has some bad connotations that are not applied here, you're just very good, and slowly taking over the world.

I like friending people who post funny, interesting, smart posts. Not necessarily all at the same time. I don't mind at all people having different opinions, as long as they're reasonable about it. Or for their fic/vids, and then discover they are really awesome people! Except for how I am really super shy. I friended you, for example, on a bout of uncharacteristic boldness, sort of. Fandom(LJ, I suppose) is funny, I used to just observe in the corner and then I said something and then I said something else and it got easier. And I'm still in a little corner. Which is to say, yeah, social awkwardness.

I have been to who_anon exactly once(I live in a happy corner), but I do wish that thing would stop existing.

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

I'm really glad you friended me! :D You are super-nice.

I sort of want to go back into a corner and just work behind the scenes, which is why I tend to avoid posting on comms except in moments of occasional insanity. I want to meet people, but I don't want it to be totally overwhelming, I guess?

who_anon has some redeeming moments, but a fiery death wouldn't be out of place, no.

[fleurette.livejournal.com]

I'm pretty easy about who I friend -- and I tend to friend people with whom I share at least one interest, or community, or if I like their fic, art, whatever, or just cause I find them interesting in any way. I prefer interaction, but if they don't comment much, it doesn't really bother me.

Sometimes I am shy about friending someone, especially if I doubt they'll reciprocate, and I get a little intimidated by *friends only*, even though I've rarely considered it myself [but decided that I'm too public in my own attitude for that]

I try not to be, but I honestly do get offended if someone defriends me...but I try not to let my ill feelings last too long...

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Friends only is indeed a bit intimidating - I only really use it to protect other people who might be recognizable/so that people just reading for my fic don't get all bogged down.

Oh, it's definitely easy to get offended over defriendings, particularly if you've known someone a long time!

[scarlettgirl.livejournal.com]

I tend to be cautious about friending only because everything behind flock is RL stuff which may or may not include my children and I can't be arsed to deal with filters. Anything I do fannish is public so I tend to have a larger "friend of" list. Again, not out of any sense of importance but just because I need to have interacted with someone and determined they are someone that I want to share that portion of my life.

That being said, I do track a lot of LJ's that I enjoy reading but really don't have a lot of personal interaction with. If it weren't for the "kid" portion of my LJ I wouldn't hesitate to friend someone that I thought was interesting. I think it's the stupid LJ lanuage that gets people tied up in knots. "Friends" is weighted with a lot of baggage.

P.S. Check your messages. ;)

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

That definitely makes sense! Being cautious about friending is extremely important in a situation like that. Sometimes people will create fandom-only and personal life-only journals, to avoid the whole awkwardness thing, but I think that would be way too much trouble for me to attempt.

And you're definitely right about the "Friends" appellation - it complicates things unnecessarily. If I felt like someone on the flist wasn't posting much or at all, I still would feel tempted to keep them on, because defriending sends the message of "I don't want to be your friend anymore!", which is just silly.

(Thank you muchly for the message! :D)

[bellabelball.livejournal.com]

I'll friend people for several reasons: If I know them IRL and like to chat with them on LJ (or just keep up with their lives), or in fandom if I really like their fic, art, etc., and/or if they seem like an interesting person in general. I like to collect interesting people on my flist. :)

I find that I'm the one who usually makes the friending overtures in the process; I've had only a few people friend me first. This is probably because I put very little fannish content on my journal- I'm not much of a writer or artist, and I discuss fandom stuff in comms or the LJs of those who do put up more fannish stuff to talk about there. So, this process has made me practice being more outgoing (I'm horribly shy IRL and often online too). Before friending, I always check the userinfo to see if the person has a friending policy, so that I know whether to ask first or just friend (and comment). I have actually run across people who don't like to be friended, so I've learned to be careful lest I upset them!

I've actually only been defriended once (during someone's flist overhaul where a lot of people got cut; and they ended up re-friending me some time later without explanation, which was fine too. :) Defriending's not a crushing blow by any means, but I prefer for people to let me know why, so I know whether it was something I said or did, or nothing personal. Otherwise I would wonder.

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

LJ is an excellent way to practise outgoingness! For every person I am too shy to friend, there are dozens of others I'm thrilled to interact with every day. It's sort of awesome.

I have actually run across people who don't like to be friended, so I've learned to be careful lest I upset them!

Oh, me too! Much as it doesn't make sense to me (it's not like someone friending you can magically see flocked posts or whatever), I get that some people just want to be left alone.

I've been defriended all of once as well, and it was because after a friending meme, we just never seemed to chat at all. I'm fine with that! Sometimes it just doesn't click, and we can always wind up friending again later!

[rapunzelita.livejournal.com]

What do you look for in an LJ friend?
Someone who is into the same fandom(s) as I am, and who looks nice. I tend to be wary in the Who fandom and only friend people who not only seem nice, but really open-minded. The kind of people who are on loves_them_all or who_otp or whoniverse1000 and such. Because I really hate it to have bashing on my f-list.

Do you take it personally when people defriend?
Nope, not really, although I kind of like it when people warn me before. I don't like looking at my profile and suddenly finding out someone defriended me. That's kind of unpleasant, and I take it more personally.
On the other hand, I'm always afraid to defriend people, because I'm afraid they'll take it personally.

Oh, oh, and you deserve BNF-ness! In the nice way, you know. Everyone should know how awesome you are ♥

[elyssadc.livejournal.com]

You sound like my kind of fan. I'd love to friend you, if you wouldn't mind.

[rapunzelita.livejournal.com]

Oooh, yay! With pleasure! I love making new friends. (I don't believe how many I've made in the Classic!Who fandom)

[elyssadc.livejournal.com]

Yay! Friended. I also feel like my flist is really Old Skool heavy right now and it's fabulous. I think maybe it's because there aren't really that many active classic fans, so it's easy to get involved pretty quickly. And everyone is so damn awesome. Despite the apparent wanky reputation of Who fandom, I've found it to be incredibly welcoming.

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Yay, lack of bashing! Yeah, I never like to see bashing on the flist. Disagreements, I'm fine with, though! :D

[stunt-muppet.livejournal.com]

What do you look for in an LJ friend?

Much the same things you do, actually. I don't usually friend people unless I 'know' them somehow - if we've talked a few times, or have bumped into each other in various communities, or something like that. Occasionally I'll friend someone whose fic I enjoy, even without knowing them beforehand (such as yourself, for example!), but that's usually because they seem approachable/nice/awesome in their non-ficcish entries as well.

Even if we've talked, I'm rather shy about friending, even if I'd like to. I usually wait for the other party to make the first move, as I'm much less shy about friending back.

I gravitate to people whom I get along with, really. Shared fandoms and interests are a plus (and how I usually meet people anyway) but if I can make easy small talk with a person on a given topic that's usually a good sign.

Re: BNF-dom - hey, you've earned the love! :D

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Easy small talk! Yes, never underestimate that! You can have a billion interests in common with someone and never quite hit it off if you just don't get along all that well.

[ghost2.livejournal.com]

I friend people I see around fandom. Actually, I accumulated most of my flist via a few friending memes, which are very helpful. Except a couple times, people who participated in them didn't friend me back. And these were individuals with whom I'd had good discussions (I thought, anyway) on various other journals. Those were the only people I've ever defriended--people from friending memes who didn't reciprocate.

I have a friending policy in my user info, and it's completely open. I've never not friended anyone back.

I've noticed that some people have really nasty friending policies, down to saying that anyone who doesn't know them should GTFO. I can understand being cautious about friending random people, but there are polite ways to phrase it and then there are rude ones.

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Friending memes are great fun! I've met some awesome people there, yes. :D

I've noticed that some people have really nasty friending policies, down to saying that anyone who doesn't know them should GTFO.

Oh, I know! It's very strange to me.

[elyssadc.livejournal.com]

It's weird, because I was just thinking about this same thing recently. I find that I friend people who: (1) Write kick ass fic, (2) Share my attitudes towards the particular fandom in question, (3) Post fannish topics/meta that are of interest to me, and (4) that I see around various comms all the time and seem like they'd be cool to get to know better. Then, if I leave a particular fandom I tend to keep people on my flist that I've come to appreciate on a personal level and want to stay connected to.

As for defriending? Yeah, I guess it would be human nature not to take it a little bit personally. Unless they no longer have any fandoms in common with me and I never really made a connection with them.

The "too shy to friend" thing is always weird to me, though. Why would anyone be too shy to friend someone?

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

The "too shy to friend" thing is always weird to me, though. Why would anyone be too shy to friend someone?

Hee, I don't know. It's the irrational fear that they'll say "Who are you? Get away from me!" and then the internets will explode and the stock market will crash and the WORLD WILL END, or something. It is silly. ;)

[heidi-wiggin.livejournal.com]

I friend someone if they keep popping up on my comms with relevant/hilarious/brilliant comments, art, fic, pics, meta, etc. So generally we have the same interests, but really it's if they're an interesting person!

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Yay, yes! As I mentioned earlier, you can have all the interests in the world in common, but if you just don't "click", it's not gonna work. Interesting people are always good! My flist is so amazingly talented and clever and fascinating. :D

[ayuamarca.livejournal.com]

hmm, for an lj-friend I look for someone who a) write interesting entries b) at least have something in common with me. To be honest, I haven't really added anyone myself lately, but uhh. If someone adds me I automatically add them back, unless they're trolls. or if they give Faulty Information.

If people defriend me I sometimes take it personal, but it depends on if I knew them in person. I think that if someone wants to cut you, they could... tell you? in a public entry or whatever. (um. okay. when I did a friends cut earlier this year I, um, accidentally made the public entry a friends-only entry, so. oops. fail is I!)

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

I've never actually made a friends cut, and if I did defriend anyone it would be due to insane bashing or something, because my interests tend to wax and wane anyway, but yeah. Knowing someone in person would make things a bit awkward, I would imagine. (I don't actually know anyone on my flist in person, which is a bit weird.)

But yeah, I don't tend to add all that many people myself, because I hardly ever post on comms. Sometimes people will comment without having friended me, and I love that because it gives me a chance to get to know them!

[airie-fairy.livejournal.com]

I've got a relatively short list of friends, most of whom have been with me a long time, because I really need to feel comfortable with people personally as well as have similar fandom interests/attitudes. That's really more important to me, because even if I mostly talk to the person about fandom stuff, I like to like the person themselves. I've got a few friends on my list from real life, who do or don't share my fandoms, or who shared old fandoms with me and we're still linked even though that interest has ebbed away for either or both of us.

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

(Can I just say that I'm really glad we've done the mutual friending thing? Because I have seen your insightful comments all over the place, and hurrah!)

It's neat to have a variety of acquaintances on the flist. While most folks on mine are from the Who fandom, some are from SH or MUNCLE or Sapphire and Steel, or some crazy combination of the above. It's fun!

[alto2.livejournal.com]

I'll friend someone if they've popped up on another friend's flist and we've had enough conversation there that it seems ridiculous not to friend them (though I always ask first--and I feel a bit strange when someone friends me without asking, though I've made several good friends that way, so I do get over it!). I've also met some great people via friending memes, which are always fun even if they do have a bit of a "Me! Me! Pick ME!" feel to them by definition. And I've met folks in communities as well. I don't do much fic anymore, reading or writing, so I don't tend to meet people that way. Mostly, though, we've usually got interests in common or friends in common.

Defriending... it depends on how it's done. If our interests have diverged or we don't otherwise seem to talk/have much to discuss anymore, then, you know, it happens. If someone handles it badly and is rude or otherwise unpleasant about it, I'll be offended for a while but will generally decide I'm better off without them. That said, I've got several people on my flist--interestingly, several of the first friends who got me to LJ from a message board, and I really should defriend them, because we've either grown apart, or had some unpleasant disagreements/misunderstandings, or both. As far as I can tell, we've filtered each other out of our flists but we're still linked due to a technicality. It's pretty stupid, but it strikes me that, on both sides, we feel like actually defriending each other is admitting failure, or something equally silly. I think defriending generally makes people skittish, even when it's entirely justified and desired on both sides. :-\

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

(though I always ask first--and I feel a bit strange when someone friends me without asking, though I've made several good friends that way, so I do get over it!)

Yes, I'm exactly the same way! I have my shiny Friends-Only banner up and everything, but I am fine when people don't use it and ninja-friend, or what-have-you. It's just a bit startling, I guess.

Really, defriending is a confusing process all around, and everyone's feelings tend to get hurt even if it's for the best. Silly LJ, argh. Sorry you've had to deal with disagreements and unpleasant stuff like that! Hope it works out well for you.

[wiccagirl24.livejournal.com]

I'm always relieved to know that I'm not the only awkward/shy person. I tend to friend people I know through fandom, usually after we've had conversations in a comm or on a mutual friend's journal. I like friending friends of friends (and in the reverse I also like telling my friends to friend each other) I friend the people I role play with. I have a few friends from real life (plus my sisters) My closest LJ friends are usually fellow fanfic authors.

And speaking of fic, a quick question. I bugged you forever ago about lightning and how to measure it. I just want to make sure I wrote it right. Does this make sense?

The Doctor dug through the pockets of his jacket and pulled out a small box with an assortment of wires sticking out of odd places and a blue glowing display window. He held it up and pressed a button, speaking as he did so. “An optical transient detector, with a few of my own modifications. And look at that.”

Sapphire peered at the readout when it was tuned in her direction, and shrugged. “Does that mean something? Electronics are more Steel’s speciality than mine.”

“It’s an anomalous luminance reading, suited to a place just recently hit by lightening, which this glade obviously has not been. That’s the nanobes.”

“Yes, you said that before. I still don’t understand.”

“Time enough for that later.”

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Oh, that looks great! :D Excellent technobabble, there. Looking forward to the fic!

(And you've reminded me of another cool thing about friending - discovering other fandoms in common after the fact! Hurrah!)

[radiantbaby.livejournal.com]

Hello new friend here. I was someone who was shy to friend you myself, but after seeing the thread on who_anon, I decided to throw caution to wind and all that. :)

As for your questions about what I look for in an LJ friend, it really can vary from person to person. A lot of times it is a matter of me liking what they have to say (be it in meta, fiction, or just random comments I see in shared communities and other friend's LJs). We certainly don't have to share the same opinions, but I do prefer people who can intelligently discuss such differences of opinion with maturity and not start petty fights.

I've also been known to add people who live near to me and share similar interest(s) -- I suppose for the possibilities of hanging out in "meat space" at some point -- but that is less common.

My feelings on defriendings are on a case-by-case basis much like friendings. If it is someone I am close to (or I really respect), I might get a bit sad and wonder why they did so. If it is someone I hardly know or just someone who I have little in common with, I might be a tiny bit sad, but not too hurt over it.

[eponymous-rose.livejournal.com]

Oh, I'm glad you've friended me! :D I have seen you around fandom, actually, and anyone who posts about the Ten/Jamie ship is made of awesome. Automatically!

(I'm also glad some good has come of who_anon, hee!)

And yeah, I think I would friend people living in my general vicinity for the same reasons you've mentioned! Only problem being that I haven't actually come across all that many in Who fandom, alas.

Anyway, yes. Glad to have you aboard! :D

[infiniteviking]

What I look for in a friend.... I guess a certain positive outlook toward life, friendship, creativity, &etc. Sharing opinions and fandoms is fun too. I'd like to say I'd never take a defriending personally, but it's always nice to know why.