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eponymous_roseTitle: The Good, the Bad, and the Hovercrafts
Author:![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
eponymous_rose
Word Count: 1830
Rating: PG
Warnings: No spoilers, except that at this point Romana knows what a horse is. Silliness abounds!
Characters: Fourth Doctor, Romana, K-9
"Well," said the Doctor, apparently unaware of the fact that his scarf was flapping as he ran and, moreover, that it was flapping in Romana's face. "Do you think we should hold them off at the pass? I think we should hold them off at the pass."
Romana made a valiant attempt to swipe aside the flailing mass of wool, gave it up as a lost cause, and sped her pace to jog alongside the Doctor, which meant he was no longer directing her around the rockiest bits of the gravel pit, which in turn meant that the extra sidestepping and last-minute hopping were playing havoc with her ankles. But then, he'd been waiting in the doorway while she dug around for a pair of shoes, and he'd made a snide comment about impractical footwear, and she couldn't very well have let him win an argument like that, could she?
Besides, tall heels were the height of fashion on Miranika, and it was dreadfully important, when on a mission of this magnitude and scope, to fit in as much as one possibly could. As much as one possibly could while travelling with the Doctor, anyway.
She was just getting comfortable with the new pace when the wind shifted accordingly and the Doctor's scarf reaffirmed its acquaintance with her nose. "Doctor," she said, and sneezed. "Can't you keep this thing tied up somewhere?"
"You know, I've never had the opportunity to hold anybody off at a pass before," the Doctor said, hopping over a patch of loose gravel. "I'm not entirely sure I'd know where to start."
"I expect actually chasing somebody helps more than being chased," Romana put in, and, as though to punctuate her words, a gunshot and the shrill whine of a ricochet sent them both scrabbling for cover behind a large boulder.
"Ah," said the Doctor, and peered around the boulder. "I had wondered when they were going to catch us up."
"Why are you on about holding people off at passes, anyway?" Romana ventured a peek around the rock, and the Doctor snagged her collar and pulled her back just as another bullet skipped nearby.
"Well, this is more than vaguely reminiscent of the Old West, isn't it?" the Doctor said, nonsensically, and beamed. At her puzzled expression, he sighed. "With hovercrafts instead of horses, I suppose, but the spirit's there. Remind me to-"
But Romana never got a chance to learn what it was she was supposed to remind him, as he'd taken off his hat, and set to waving it cautiously past the boulder's edge. Another volley of bullets nearly took his hand with the headgear.
Romana grabbed his arm, but he was just staring mournfully at the hole-ridden hat. "Are you mad?" she snapped, and rather hoped he wouldn't answer the question. "Why did you do that?"
He poked his fingers through the holes in the cloth and frowned. "I thought I should probably give them something to shoot at," he said. "I wonder how long they'll take to realise we're not armed and that they can just hover over and pick us off at their leisure."
"We can hear you, you know," shouted one of the Miranikans.
"Oh," said the Doctor. "Hello!"
"Your plan isn't going to work," bellowed a second voice. "We're not that stupid."
"I'm sure you're all very intelligent people," the Doctor called back; Romana winced - surely they'd established by now that this level of volume wasn't necessary. "And pacifists!" the Doctor added hopefully.
"We won't let you lure us into a trap!" snapped yet another Miranikan; Romana rather disliked the way the odds were stacking against them. "You're just trying to trick us into coming back there, saying you're unarmed. Well, it won't work!"
"We're not stupid!" reiterated the second voice, in the frantic manner adopted by somebody trying fervently to convince himself.
"Well," said the Doctor, and his rejoinder - which, he assured Romana later, was to be equal parts pithy and scathing - was cut off by another round of gunfire, this one rather more persistent than the last.
Covering her ears, it took Romana a moment to realise that either their aim was getting worse or the Miranikans had stopped shooting at them.
"Now," the Doctor said, "either their aim is getting worse-"
"Master! Mistress!"
They looked back, and Romana couldn't hold back a laugh. "It's K-9!"
The robotic dog was trundling over the uneven terrain towards them, unfazed by the bullets ricocheting all around him. "Suggest retreating from line of fire," he called.
Romana turned to grin at the Doctor, but he was wincing. "Oh dear," he said. "I'm afraid I've done something rather inconvenient."
With a sigh, Romana cast a glance back at K-9. "And would it, by any chance, have something to do with the fact that K-9 is just sitting there collecting dents instead of fighting back?"
The Doctor shrugged and pulled a mass of circuitry from his pocket. "Just a few repairs to the offensive mechanisms," he said, and leaned in, whispering. "I think we should make a dash for it while K-9 distracts them, don't you?"
"Well, yes, but how-"
The Doctor placed his battered hat on his head with solemn dignity, and called out: "K-9, hold them off at the pass, will you?"
K-9's sensors whirred as he pondered that statement; a stray bullet chipped his nose. "Repeat query, Master?"
"Keep them occupied!" the Doctor called.
"Tell them a joke," Romana added. The Doctor blinked at her, and she shrugged helplessly.
"Joke; understood," K-9 said, and trundled forward amid startled shouts from the Miranikans - the shooting stopped. "Ahem," he said, into the echoing silence, and Romana resolved to cure him of this worrying tendency towards melodramatic throat-clearing. "A man is distributing alcoholic beverages in a place where said beverages can be purchased and consumed in the company of friends and strangers, ideally in the setting of twentieth-century Earth, although variations persist throughout time and space-"
The Doctor poked his head out from behind the boulder, then glanced back with a nod. Romana grimaced. "Couldn't you have checked without giving them a chance to take your head off?" she hissed.
"-and an anthropomorphised creature of the equine persuasion enters the establishment and requests-"
The Doctor shrugged. "K-9 is extremely good at telling jokes," he said. "Have a look for yourself."
Tentatively, Romana peeked over the top of the boulder.
There were actually six or seven of the Miranikans - the odds were considerably worse than she'd calculated - all perched on their hovercrafts, pointing rather large weapons in their general direction. This would have been an extremely worrying state of affairs if it weren't for the fact that all of them appeared to be fast asleep.
"-and then the owner of the establishment engages in conversation with the anthropomorphised creature, in the manner so commonly seen in the aforementioned time zone, although-"
"What happened?" Romana breathed. One of the Miranikans was snoring softly.
The Doctor waved a hand. "Well, I told you I was working on K-9's offensive capabilities, didn't I? I included some rather clever bits and bobs that implement ultrasonic waves at a frequency that can affect the consciousness of certain beings." He straightened, brushed off his coat. "Typically brilliant."
"Rather clever bits and bobs?" Romana echoed, and narrowed her eyes. "You just dropped the sonic screwdriver in the works, didn't you?"
"-and the aforementioned owner of the establishment - who might also be a temporary employee, depending on the prevailing economic currents of the time - queries the anthropomorphised creature-"
The Doctor scowled. "Come on, Romana," he said. "Back to the TARDIS, before they wake up and start shooting again. I believe K-9's getting to the punch line."
Before they started their sprint up again across the cluttered quarry, the Doctor wound his scarf more tightly around his shoulders, and Romana paused to rub at her aching feet. Neither commented on the other's concessions, and together they jogged up the slope to where a familiar blue box was peeking over the horizon.
"-but the query, which relies heavily on a grasp of the vernacular of the language in question, shows marked similarities in several languages, lending credence to Illominium's Theory of Received Punning-"
The Doctor grinned, unlocking the TARDIS. "Come on, K-9!" he called. "I've heard this one before." He pushed the door open and ushered her through. "The bartender turns to the horse and says: 'Why the long face?'"
Romana rolled her eyes. "Well, it's not all hovercrafts, then," she said.
"Sorry?"
She watched as K-9 came wobbling through the doors, looking rather the worse for wear. "Not all hovercrafts. You said that there are usually horses, in whatever 'Old West' you've been referencing all day."
He paused to process that, then grinned. "That's very true," he said. "Jokes always lend a bit of tradition and elegance, don't they, K-9?"
"Habitually, jokes are used to expose flaws in prevailing social norms, in which case they can't be said to-"
"Shut up, K-9," the Doctor said. "Well, Romana? I suppose we really had better get back to the task at hand."
"Finally," she said, sliding the tracer from her sleeve. "I'm not sure what gave us a false reading here - are you quite sure the coordinates were set properly?"
He sniffed. "Quite sure," he said, and snatched the tracer out of her hands.
She leaned against the console. "Because if you're not entirely certain-"
His hands hovered over the controls, and he glanced up at her. "Not entirely certain? Of course I'm certain." He positioned his hand over a button, cast her a furtive glance, scowled, and pushed it anyway.
As the rotor began rising and falling again, Romana muttered: "You've set the temporal booster too low. We'll be in the Vortex a few hours at least."
"Did I?" He stared at the controls. "I don't think so, Romana. The old girl's a bit temperamental. Sometimes you just have to-" He waved a hand eloquently.
"Ah, yes," said Romana, and emulated his hand-waving. "Yet another thing they neglect to teach us at the Academy."
He was fiddling with the quantum switch again. "Do you know what I've just noticed, Romana? I think I've set the temporal booster too low."
"Have you really?"
"Yes," he said firmly, "I have. So why don't you go off and do whatever it is you do while I'm-"
"Dropping the sonic screwdriver inside K-9's workings?"
"-improving his offensive capabilities," the Doctor said.
Romana paused in the doorway, watched the time rotor rise and fall, and smiled. "Heigh-ho Silver," she muttered, "away!"
The Doctor glanced up at her, startled at the reference, but before he could say anything, she'd ducked back into the maze of corridors, grinning.
It was important, after all, on a mission of such significance, to do one's research properly.
Author:
eponymous_roseWord Count: 1830
Rating: PG
Warnings: No spoilers, except that at this point Romana knows what a horse is. Silliness abounds!
Characters: Fourth Doctor, Romana, K-9
"Well," said the Doctor, apparently unaware of the fact that his scarf was flapping as he ran and, moreover, that it was flapping in Romana's face. "Do you think we should hold them off at the pass? I think we should hold them off at the pass."
Romana made a valiant attempt to swipe aside the flailing mass of wool, gave it up as a lost cause, and sped her pace to jog alongside the Doctor, which meant he was no longer directing her around the rockiest bits of the gravel pit, which in turn meant that the extra sidestepping and last-minute hopping were playing havoc with her ankles. But then, he'd been waiting in the doorway while she dug around for a pair of shoes, and he'd made a snide comment about impractical footwear, and she couldn't very well have let him win an argument like that, could she?
Besides, tall heels were the height of fashion on Miranika, and it was dreadfully important, when on a mission of this magnitude and scope, to fit in as much as one possibly could. As much as one possibly could while travelling with the Doctor, anyway.
She was just getting comfortable with the new pace when the wind shifted accordingly and the Doctor's scarf reaffirmed its acquaintance with her nose. "Doctor," she said, and sneezed. "Can't you keep this thing tied up somewhere?"
"You know, I've never had the opportunity to hold anybody off at a pass before," the Doctor said, hopping over a patch of loose gravel. "I'm not entirely sure I'd know where to start."
"I expect actually chasing somebody helps more than being chased," Romana put in, and, as though to punctuate her words, a gunshot and the shrill whine of a ricochet sent them both scrabbling for cover behind a large boulder.
"Ah," said the Doctor, and peered around the boulder. "I had wondered when they were going to catch us up."
"Why are you on about holding people off at passes, anyway?" Romana ventured a peek around the rock, and the Doctor snagged her collar and pulled her back just as another bullet skipped nearby.
"Well, this is more than vaguely reminiscent of the Old West, isn't it?" the Doctor said, nonsensically, and beamed. At her puzzled expression, he sighed. "With hovercrafts instead of horses, I suppose, but the spirit's there. Remind me to-"
But Romana never got a chance to learn what it was she was supposed to remind him, as he'd taken off his hat, and set to waving it cautiously past the boulder's edge. Another volley of bullets nearly took his hand with the headgear.
Romana grabbed his arm, but he was just staring mournfully at the hole-ridden hat. "Are you mad?" she snapped, and rather hoped he wouldn't answer the question. "Why did you do that?"
He poked his fingers through the holes in the cloth and frowned. "I thought I should probably give them something to shoot at," he said. "I wonder how long they'll take to realise we're not armed and that they can just hover over and pick us off at their leisure."
"We can hear you, you know," shouted one of the Miranikans.
"Oh," said the Doctor. "Hello!"
"Your plan isn't going to work," bellowed a second voice. "We're not that stupid."
"I'm sure you're all very intelligent people," the Doctor called back; Romana winced - surely they'd established by now that this level of volume wasn't necessary. "And pacifists!" the Doctor added hopefully.
"We won't let you lure us into a trap!" snapped yet another Miranikan; Romana rather disliked the way the odds were stacking against them. "You're just trying to trick us into coming back there, saying you're unarmed. Well, it won't work!"
"We're not stupid!" reiterated the second voice, in the frantic manner adopted by somebody trying fervently to convince himself.
"Well," said the Doctor, and his rejoinder - which, he assured Romana later, was to be equal parts pithy and scathing - was cut off by another round of gunfire, this one rather more persistent than the last.
Covering her ears, it took Romana a moment to realise that either their aim was getting worse or the Miranikans had stopped shooting at them.
"Now," the Doctor said, "either their aim is getting worse-"
"Master! Mistress!"
They looked back, and Romana couldn't hold back a laugh. "It's K-9!"
The robotic dog was trundling over the uneven terrain towards them, unfazed by the bullets ricocheting all around him. "Suggest retreating from line of fire," he called.
Romana turned to grin at the Doctor, but he was wincing. "Oh dear," he said. "I'm afraid I've done something rather inconvenient."
With a sigh, Romana cast a glance back at K-9. "And would it, by any chance, have something to do with the fact that K-9 is just sitting there collecting dents instead of fighting back?"
The Doctor shrugged and pulled a mass of circuitry from his pocket. "Just a few repairs to the offensive mechanisms," he said, and leaned in, whispering. "I think we should make a dash for it while K-9 distracts them, don't you?"
"Well, yes, but how-"
The Doctor placed his battered hat on his head with solemn dignity, and called out: "K-9, hold them off at the pass, will you?"
K-9's sensors whirred as he pondered that statement; a stray bullet chipped his nose. "Repeat query, Master?"
"Keep them occupied!" the Doctor called.
"Tell them a joke," Romana added. The Doctor blinked at her, and she shrugged helplessly.
"Joke; understood," K-9 said, and trundled forward amid startled shouts from the Miranikans - the shooting stopped. "Ahem," he said, into the echoing silence, and Romana resolved to cure him of this worrying tendency towards melodramatic throat-clearing. "A man is distributing alcoholic beverages in a place where said beverages can be purchased and consumed in the company of friends and strangers, ideally in the setting of twentieth-century Earth, although variations persist throughout time and space-"
The Doctor poked his head out from behind the boulder, then glanced back with a nod. Romana grimaced. "Couldn't you have checked without giving them a chance to take your head off?" she hissed.
"-and an anthropomorphised creature of the equine persuasion enters the establishment and requests-"
The Doctor shrugged. "K-9 is extremely good at telling jokes," he said. "Have a look for yourself."
Tentatively, Romana peeked over the top of the boulder.
There were actually six or seven of the Miranikans - the odds were considerably worse than she'd calculated - all perched on their hovercrafts, pointing rather large weapons in their general direction. This would have been an extremely worrying state of affairs if it weren't for the fact that all of them appeared to be fast asleep.
"-and then the owner of the establishment engages in conversation with the anthropomorphised creature, in the manner so commonly seen in the aforementioned time zone, although-"
"What happened?" Romana breathed. One of the Miranikans was snoring softly.
The Doctor waved a hand. "Well, I told you I was working on K-9's offensive capabilities, didn't I? I included some rather clever bits and bobs that implement ultrasonic waves at a frequency that can affect the consciousness of certain beings." He straightened, brushed off his coat. "Typically brilliant."
"Rather clever bits and bobs?" Romana echoed, and narrowed her eyes. "You just dropped the sonic screwdriver in the works, didn't you?"
"-and the aforementioned owner of the establishment - who might also be a temporary employee, depending on the prevailing economic currents of the time - queries the anthropomorphised creature-"
The Doctor scowled. "Come on, Romana," he said. "Back to the TARDIS, before they wake up and start shooting again. I believe K-9's getting to the punch line."
Before they started their sprint up again across the cluttered quarry, the Doctor wound his scarf more tightly around his shoulders, and Romana paused to rub at her aching feet. Neither commented on the other's concessions, and together they jogged up the slope to where a familiar blue box was peeking over the horizon.
"-but the query, which relies heavily on a grasp of the vernacular of the language in question, shows marked similarities in several languages, lending credence to Illominium's Theory of Received Punning-"
The Doctor grinned, unlocking the TARDIS. "Come on, K-9!" he called. "I've heard this one before." He pushed the door open and ushered her through. "The bartender turns to the horse and says: 'Why the long face?'"
Romana rolled her eyes. "Well, it's not all hovercrafts, then," she said.
"Sorry?"
She watched as K-9 came wobbling through the doors, looking rather the worse for wear. "Not all hovercrafts. You said that there are usually horses, in whatever 'Old West' you've been referencing all day."
He paused to process that, then grinned. "That's very true," he said. "Jokes always lend a bit of tradition and elegance, don't they, K-9?"
"Habitually, jokes are used to expose flaws in prevailing social norms, in which case they can't be said to-"
"Shut up, K-9," the Doctor said. "Well, Romana? I suppose we really had better get back to the task at hand."
"Finally," she said, sliding the tracer from her sleeve. "I'm not sure what gave us a false reading here - are you quite sure the coordinates were set properly?"
He sniffed. "Quite sure," he said, and snatched the tracer out of her hands.
She leaned against the console. "Because if you're not entirely certain-"
His hands hovered over the controls, and he glanced up at her. "Not entirely certain? Of course I'm certain." He positioned his hand over a button, cast her a furtive glance, scowled, and pushed it anyway.
As the rotor began rising and falling again, Romana muttered: "You've set the temporal booster too low. We'll be in the Vortex a few hours at least."
"Did I?" He stared at the controls. "I don't think so, Romana. The old girl's a bit temperamental. Sometimes you just have to-" He waved a hand eloquently.
"Ah, yes," said Romana, and emulated his hand-waving. "Yet another thing they neglect to teach us at the Academy."
He was fiddling with the quantum switch again. "Do you know what I've just noticed, Romana? I think I've set the temporal booster too low."
"Have you really?"
"Yes," he said firmly, "I have. So why don't you go off and do whatever it is you do while I'm-"
"Dropping the sonic screwdriver inside K-9's workings?"
"-improving his offensive capabilities," the Doctor said.
Romana paused in the doorway, watched the time rotor rise and fall, and smiled. "Heigh-ho Silver," she muttered, "away!"
The Doctor glanced up at her, startled at the reference, but before he could say anything, she'd ducked back into the maze of corridors, grinning.
It was important, after all, on a mission of such significance, to do one's research properly.
