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eponymous_roseThis time, you get a kinda random favourite of mine: season three's "Civil Defense", in which the station has the most needlessly elaborate anti-Bajoran-revolt gameplan ever, lots of stuff blows up, Odo and Quark get locked in a room together, everyone faces imminent doom, and Garak and Dukat finally get to bicker face-to-face. What's not to love? The following picspam is a little Dukat-heavy, because hey, Dukat. It's also a ridiculously massive picspam, not safe for dialup.
We open with Jake - still doing work experience - and O'Brien, working on one of the station's old ore processors, converting it to a deuterium refinery. O'Brien has Jake deleting all the old Cardassian files on the computer so they can boot up with Federation Windows 9018 Premium Edition. As anyone who's ever tried to install a new OS knows, this can't possibly go wrong.
Sisko comes by looking for Jake. He looks uneasy, as would anyone whose son is making an appearance in the pre-credits sequence of an episode of DS9. "Jake, didn't I tell you to stick to humorous B-plots?"
It's too late - Jake is having trouble deleting one of the files. O'Brien sweeps in to hold off this plot device at the pass, but even his vast array of technobabblery is in vain.
The computer starts giving them error messages. "Unauthorized computer entry detected." Sisko is not impressed.
The computer gives them five seconds to enter an access code, and then cheerfully slams all the security doors shut. The same thing happened to me last time I tried uninstalling Norton Antivirus.
Meanwhile, in Ops!
Computer: Warning. Worker revolt in progress in Ore Processing Unit Five. Security countermeasures initiated.
Kira: ...what the hell?
Meanwhile, down where the worker revolt consists of Sisko and O'Brien trying to prise the door open, a recording of Dukat starts playing, telling them to stop revolting. Yes, this would clearly be a great deterrent in the event of a real Bajoran worker revolt. "No, guys, seriously, stop revolting. Guys? Come on." He gives them eight minutes to make their decision, which is countdown number two for the episode, and we're not even at the credits yet!
After the credits, O'Brien is still trying to technobabble his way out. Kira calls down to ask what's going on, and then offers to beam them out of there.
But when they try, the computer asks for their access code. Everyone starts to wish they'd gone for the torrent with the built-in keygen. Bashir points out that the whole worker revolt thing must have the station thinking it's back under Cardassian rule. With all the flashback episodes, it's no wonder it gets confused sometimes.
Odo calls in to let them know his codes, from when he worked for the Cardassians during the Occupation, are still valid, but his security clearance may not be high enough.
Quark barges in, looking for an explanation.
Odo: Not now, Quark, I'm busy.
Quark: Well, is there anything I can do to help?
Odo: Not unless you have a level nine Cardassian security clearance.
Quark: Let's see. I think I have everything from levels one through seven.
Odo: *pause* I only have from levels one through six.
Meanwhile, Sisko and company climb on things looking for an escape route. Predictably, no luck there. Dukat tells them their time is almost up, and would they mind stopping that revolt already.
Sisko tries surrendering to the computer.
A new Dukat program starts running, telling them to stay put until Cardassian security comes to get them. I can just imagine how much fun Dukat must have had recording all these messages. "Wait, computer, let me redo that one! I wasn't quite exuding enough paternal disappointment."
Sisko points out the big honkin' pipeline. Back when a revolt was actually feasible, there would have been molten ore pouring through it, but now it's empty and just the right size for Jake to squeeze in, work his way through the machinery, and open the ore hatch from the inside to provide an escape route.
Dukat's recording turns on full-time, babbling away in the background about the greater glory of Cardassia as they execute their escape plan. He also gives them a new three-minute deadline. Three countdowns so far this episode!
Sisko: You know, I never knew how much this man's voice annoyed me.
The recording of Dukat tells them their time has run out, and ominous-looking gas starts appearing.
Fortunately, our heroes are already making good their escape. Dukat, you may want to stop giving everyone so many countdowns.
Meanwhile in Ops, everyone runs around in a dramatic manner while Dax does technobabbly stuff to try and save the day.
The computer informs them that the Bajoran workers have escaped, and initiates a "stationwide counter-insurgency program", which really doesn't sound like the sort of thing you want to have your computer initiating. Doors slam shut on Ops.
Dukat's getting really annoyed, guys! Come on! Stop revolting! No, but seriously, he's threatening to kill every Bajoran on the station.
Meanwhile, Jake, Sisko, and O'Brien emerge into some sort of loading bay. It is, basically, a small box of a room, and the only way out leads straight back to the gas and probably also to that recording of Dukat, who's still telling them to quit revolting already. Unsurprisingly, nobody wants to go back that way.
They discover communications are down, too. Sisko starts to long for the days when all he had to worry about was Jake's subplot with his twenty-year-old girlfriend.
Ops is also locked down and out of communication with the rest of the station.
Kira: All right. Time for a less subtle approach. Doctor?
Bashir: *gets the hell out of the way*
Unfortunately, while they do succeed in blowing up the locking mechanism, they're still left with a force field locking them in.
Dax points out the forcefield is probably there to protect them and goes back to technobabbling while Bashir reminisces about the fact that he was just starting to think of the station as home. Because really, whose house doesn't try to kill them every now and then? I know I always stub my toe on the door jamb.
Meanwhile, Odo and Quark are trapped in Security - apparently the force field extends right through the bulkheads and the deck, so Odo can't even shape-shift his way out of this.
Quark: You're telling me I'm stuck here? With you?
Odo: No. I'm stuck here with you. Believe me, a far worse fate.
In an "If it worked for MacGyver" moment, Sisko, Jake, and O'Brien start coming up with a way to use the explosive properties of the raw ore to make a way out.
Back in Ops, Dax hits a particularly energetic forcefield and badly burns her hands. Ouch.
The computer gets really annoyed, assumes Ops is compromised, and initiates counter-insurgency program level two, which features yet another recorded message of Dukat. He gives them - wait for it - a countdown! Five minutes this time. That's, what, four countdowns so far this episode? He tells them to think of their families, and orders all Cardassian personnel to evacuate.
Garak shows up, using his access code to step right through the forcefield (which, unfortunately, pops right up again behind him, so nobody else can make it through) with a characteristically snazzy entrance.
Bashir: Have you tried using your code to shut down the security program?
Garak: Oh, several times, but for some reason I... can't begin to fathom, Gul Dukat chose not to trust me with his top-level security codes during the Occupation.
Garak suggests they destroy their life support systems, which Bashir points out is actually not as suicidal as it sounds - if they shut down life support, the poisonous gas can't be distributed throughout the station, and that gives them twelve hours to come up with an alternative solution. Twelve hours. Can I add that to the list of countdowns?
Kira once again gets to shoot up part of Ops. ♥
The lights go out, and the computer, annoyed at the interruption of its counter-insurgency program, initiates counter-insurgency program level three.
Yet another Dukat recording appears, this time pointing out that he's probably dead or locked in his quarters making stupid recordings all day or something, because things are getting really out of hand. The station's set to self-destruct. In two hours. Countdown number five!
Meanwhile, Quark and Odo are getting antsy. I am always distracted when there are scenes in Odo's office, because one of the ambient sound effects is an old-timey printer noise. Seriously, listen for it! I always get this overwhelming urge go to look for that printer paper with the little holes punched in the sides. Anyway, Quark gets a bit maudlin, starts to regret ever leaving home, and quotes the seventy-sixth Rule of Acquisition: "Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of latinum."
Odo: Oh, come on, Quark. You've done all right for yourself.
Quark: Oh, what do you know?
Odo: Quark, I've met a lot of Ferengi in my time, and the truth is, though some of them may have been more wealthy, I've never met one more... devious.
Quark: Really?
Odo: Would I lie?
Quark: I guess not. Thank you, Odo. That means a lot to me.
Garak's having trouble getting the consoles to do anything because they're all keyed in to only accept commands from Gul Dukat. Dax comes up with a plan to make fool the computer into thinking Garak is actually Dukat.
Bashir gets smirky.
Garak: Well, tell me, Doctor, what is it exactly about this situation that's making you smile?
Bashir: You, Garak.
Garak: Hmm?
Bashir: Just wondering how many other tailors can rewrite Cardassian security protocols.
Garak: I wouldn't even venture a guess. Which reminds me, those pants you wanted altered are ready to be picked up.
Matching 'uh-oh' faces as Garak accidentally sets off another alarm. You guessed it! The computer initiates counter-insurgency program level four.
Since even Dukat apparently gets tired of making recordings, this level makes the replicator spit out a little ball thing that shoots at everything in sight.
Everyone makes it to cover but the redshirt. Ouch. I mean, death by replicated shooty ball thing. What a way to go.
And in the midst of all this chaos, Dukat - in the flesh - beams aboard. The shooty ball thing ignores him.
Dukat: *sighs* Let me guess. Someone tried to duplicate my access code, hm?
Dukat wanders around, hilariously ignoring the shooty ball thing that's blowing up everything in sight, and explains that he received a distress call from himself. Well, from a recording of himself. And that distress call was saying that a Bajoran rebellion was underway at Terok Nor. He was a little curious, so he popped over to investigate. You can tell it's pretty much the coolest thing that's happened to Dukat all week and he's been honing his gloating skills for just this occasion.
Bashir: Well, can you help us or not?
Dukat: *as though it had never occurred to him* Oh, most certainly. All I have to do is enter my command code and shut down the program.
Kira: Then do it!
Dukat: All in good time, Major Kira. All in good time. But first, there are a few things we need to discuss.
Dukat orders some tea from the replicator, which stops with the shooty ball thing just long enough to give him his tea, then starts up again. That's style, folks.
Dukat spots Garak taking cover behind a console and cracks up.
Dukat: Garak, groveling in a corner. That alone makes my trip worthwhile.
Garak: *stands up*
Bashir: Garak!
Garak: Easy, Doctor. It would appear that the computer is only targeting non-Cardassians.
Dukat: If you had been on the station when I designed this program, I would have made an exception in your case.
Garak: Well, you've always been short-sighted. It's held you back over the years. As I recall, your father had the same flaw.
Dukat: My father's only flaw was trusting you.
Garak: Funny, at his trial, your father said that his biggest flaw was that his ambition outweighed his patriotism.
Kira: *shouting over the noise of the shooty ball thing* Maybe you two could settle this at another time?
Dukat reluctanty stops the shooty ball thing and meets with Kira in Sisko's office. What does he want in return for saving them all? Just a permanent Cardassian presence aboard the station. As you can imagine, Kira is just thrilled with this suggested arrangement.
Kira: Well, let me put this another way. I would destroy this station before I ever gave it back to the Cardassians.
Dukat: Would you allow two thousand people aboard this station to die simply because you don't like... *pauses, loses some of the gloating expression* ...us?
When Kira doesn't deign to reply to that, Dukat decides to give them... a deadline! They've still got half an hour before the station self-destructs. He'll go back to his ship, and come back right before the big kaboom to get her answer then.
Dukat calls his computer to transport him back to the ship. In the Best Moment Ever, nothing happens. A recording of Legate Kell pops up, expressing his disappointment in Dukat for trying to abandon his post while the station's on the verge of self-destruction. Dukat's access code is no longer useful. He's just as trapped as everyone else.
Well, this is certainly awkward.
When we get back from the commercial break, Dukat tries aborting the self-destruct. No luck.
Garak: *laughs* Even your own computer program turns against you. I always knew your short-sightedness would be your downfall.
Dukat: I don't see you coming up with any ideas, tailor.
Kira: Look, if you two are finished with the insults...
After some technobabble, Dax concludes, basically, that they can get out of this in one piece if they can somehow get to Level 34 and deactivate the whatsit, which would stop the thingie from thingifying. Unfortunately, they're kinda stuck in Ops.
Speaking of being kinda stuck, let's see how Sisko and company are doing on their end.
Igniting the ore succeeds in blowing a perfect person-shaped hole in the wall. Just like on MacGyver!
Meanwhile, back in Ops, everyone's getting a bit discouraged. Except Dukat.
Dukat: I set up this program, and I assure you, Major, I will find a way to defeat it. There is no dilemma that cannot be solved by a disciplined Cardassian mind.
Garak: It's not going to work, you know.
Dukat: What are you babbling on about now?
Garak: I'm talking about Major Kira.
Kira: What about her?
Garak: She's much too busy trying to save the station to be impressed with your incessant posturing.
Dukat: *mortified* Garak!
Garak: And even if she weren't, she has much better taste than to be attracted to you. You, a married man.
Dukat: I should have executed you years ago.
Garak: Oh, you tried. Remember?
Bashir: ...Garak, this isn't helping.
Dax and Dukat come up with a plan for getting rid of the force fields keeping them from accessing other parts of the station: shortly after the Occupation, they deactivated the Cardassian thingumabobs, which were therefore not affected by the computer's vast array of anti-insurgency whatsits. So if they can activate them, they can doohickey their way out of there!
Meanwhile, Sisko, Jake, and O'Brien keep running into forcefields. It sure would be handy if someone could doohickey them out of the way.
Meanwhile- wait, I just realized: poor O'Brien spent this whole episode piling ore against a wall, and now he's going to have to come in here tomorrow and they'll expect him to fix all the parts of Ops that got blasted, phasered, gutted, and anti-insurgencied over the course of this episode. Poor guy. Anyway, Dukat does some poking around. After a few additional explosions, he suceeds in bringing down the forcefields and bringing up communications.
Kira gets in touch with Sisko and the others, who've made their way to a turbolift shaft. They're on Level 29. Without transporters or turbolifts, they're the closest ones to the thingie. You know. The whatsit. Level 34.
Sisko orders everyone else evacuated, and tells Jake to head for a runabout. In an adorable father-son moment, Jake tells his dad, in no uncertain terms, that's he's coming with them. ♥
But Odo and Quark are still locked in Security; the forcefields haven't gone down. Odo realizes the Cardassians obviously considered him a security risk - the forcefields were never to keep people out, they were to keep him in.
Odo: I suppose during the Occupation, the Cardassians considered their Security Chief a security risk.
Quark: And I know why.
Odo: Oh, do you?
Quark: It's because they knew you were an honourable man.
Odo: *does a double-take*
Quark: The kind of person who would do the right thing regardless of the circumstances. And now your integrity... is going to get us both killed. I hope you're happy.
Meanwhile, they've only got five minutes to thingummy the whatsit! Sisko notes that they may not have time to disengage the fusion initiator, and they could just direct the explosion into the shields instead, making for a much cooler special effect. O'Brien agrees.
And they find this blocking their way, leaving a maintenance conduit as their only access point. A maintenance conduit full of fire. Talk about having a good day.
Sisko and O'Brien crawl in, having agreed to keep going even if one of them runs into trouble.
Because O'Brien is O'Brien and the writers love to torture him so, he's the one to run into trouble. Sisko has to keep going and leave him behind.
Sisko reaches the doohickey machine and starts pressing buttons and pulling things out and putting them back in, trying to reach O'Brien on his communicator the whole time.
Jake crawls in and drags O'Brien to safety!
O'Brien: Jake... I thought your father told you to stay out of there.
Jake: If you don't tell him, I won't.
The whatsits thingumify as predicted!
Sisko resolves to find a less stressful subplot next time.
The doors finally open in Security. Quark is playing around with Odo's computer.
Quark: 'A self-important con artist who's nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is.' That's your official security evaluation of me.
Odo: Quark, I told you to stay away from the computer.
Quark: Two hours ago, you told me I was the most devious Ferengi you ever met.
Odo: I thought we were going to die. I was trying to be nice.
And we pan out on them, still arguing, as life on the station gets back to normal. ♥
Well, that was longer than I expected. If you're getting sick of all my DS9 posts, um. At least I'll be posting a "Beginner's Guide"-type picspam soonish?
We open with Jake - still doing work experience - and O'Brien, working on one of the station's old ore processors, converting it to a deuterium refinery. O'Brien has Jake deleting all the old Cardassian files on the computer so they can boot up with Federation Windows 9018 Premium Edition. As anyone who's ever tried to install a new OS knows, this can't possibly go wrong.
Sisko comes by looking for Jake. He looks uneasy, as would anyone whose son is making an appearance in the pre-credits sequence of an episode of DS9. "Jake, didn't I tell you to stick to humorous B-plots?"
It's too late - Jake is having trouble deleting one of the files. O'Brien sweeps in to hold off this plot device at the pass, but even his vast array of technobabblery is in vain.
The computer starts giving them error messages. "Unauthorized computer entry detected." Sisko is not impressed.
The computer gives them five seconds to enter an access code, and then cheerfully slams all the security doors shut. The same thing happened to me last time I tried uninstalling Norton Antivirus.
Meanwhile, in Ops!
Computer: Warning. Worker revolt in progress in Ore Processing Unit Five. Security countermeasures initiated.
Kira: ...what the hell?
Meanwhile, down where the worker revolt consists of Sisko and O'Brien trying to prise the door open, a recording of Dukat starts playing, telling them to stop revolting. Yes, this would clearly be a great deterrent in the event of a real Bajoran worker revolt. "No, guys, seriously, stop revolting. Guys? Come on." He gives them eight minutes to make their decision, which is countdown number two for the episode, and we're not even at the credits yet!
After the credits, O'Brien is still trying to technobabble his way out. Kira calls down to ask what's going on, and then offers to beam them out of there.
But when they try, the computer asks for their access code. Everyone starts to wish they'd gone for the torrent with the built-in keygen. Bashir points out that the whole worker revolt thing must have the station thinking it's back under Cardassian rule. With all the flashback episodes, it's no wonder it gets confused sometimes.
Odo calls in to let them know his codes, from when he worked for the Cardassians during the Occupation, are still valid, but his security clearance may not be high enough.
Quark barges in, looking for an explanation.
Odo: Not now, Quark, I'm busy.
Quark: Well, is there anything I can do to help?
Odo: Not unless you have a level nine Cardassian security clearance.
Quark: Let's see. I think I have everything from levels one through seven.
Odo: *pause* I only have from levels one through six.
Meanwhile, Sisko and company climb on things looking for an escape route. Predictably, no luck there. Dukat tells them their time is almost up, and would they mind stopping that revolt already.
Sisko tries surrendering to the computer.
A new Dukat program starts running, telling them to stay put until Cardassian security comes to get them. I can just imagine how much fun Dukat must have had recording all these messages. "Wait, computer, let me redo that one! I wasn't quite exuding enough paternal disappointment."
Sisko points out the big honkin' pipeline. Back when a revolt was actually feasible, there would have been molten ore pouring through it, but now it's empty and just the right size for Jake to squeeze in, work his way through the machinery, and open the ore hatch from the inside to provide an escape route.
Dukat's recording turns on full-time, babbling away in the background about the greater glory of Cardassia as they execute their escape plan. He also gives them a new three-minute deadline. Three countdowns so far this episode!
Sisko: You know, I never knew how much this man's voice annoyed me.
The recording of Dukat tells them their time has run out, and ominous-looking gas starts appearing.
Fortunately, our heroes are already making good their escape. Dukat, you may want to stop giving everyone so many countdowns.
Meanwhile in Ops, everyone runs around in a dramatic manner while Dax does technobabbly stuff to try and save the day.
The computer informs them that the Bajoran workers have escaped, and initiates a "stationwide counter-insurgency program", which really doesn't sound like the sort of thing you want to have your computer initiating. Doors slam shut on Ops.
Dukat's getting really annoyed, guys! Come on! Stop revolting! No, but seriously, he's threatening to kill every Bajoran on the station.
Meanwhile, Jake, Sisko, and O'Brien emerge into some sort of loading bay. It is, basically, a small box of a room, and the only way out leads straight back to the gas and probably also to that recording of Dukat, who's still telling them to quit revolting already. Unsurprisingly, nobody wants to go back that way.
They discover communications are down, too. Sisko starts to long for the days when all he had to worry about was Jake's subplot with his twenty-year-old girlfriend.
Ops is also locked down and out of communication with the rest of the station.
Kira: All right. Time for a less subtle approach. Doctor?
Bashir: *gets the hell out of the way*
Unfortunately, while they do succeed in blowing up the locking mechanism, they're still left with a force field locking them in.
Dax points out the forcefield is probably there to protect them and goes back to technobabbling while Bashir reminisces about the fact that he was just starting to think of the station as home. Because really, whose house doesn't try to kill them every now and then? I know I always stub my toe on the door jamb.
Meanwhile, Odo and Quark are trapped in Security - apparently the force field extends right through the bulkheads and the deck, so Odo can't even shape-shift his way out of this.
Quark: You're telling me I'm stuck here? With you?
Odo: No. I'm stuck here with you. Believe me, a far worse fate.
In an "If it worked for MacGyver" moment, Sisko, Jake, and O'Brien start coming up with a way to use the explosive properties of the raw ore to make a way out.
Back in Ops, Dax hits a particularly energetic forcefield and badly burns her hands. Ouch.
The computer gets really annoyed, assumes Ops is compromised, and initiates counter-insurgency program level two, which features yet another recorded message of Dukat. He gives them - wait for it - a countdown! Five minutes this time. That's, what, four countdowns so far this episode? He tells them to think of their families, and orders all Cardassian personnel to evacuate.
Garak shows up, using his access code to step right through the forcefield (which, unfortunately, pops right up again behind him, so nobody else can make it through) with a characteristically snazzy entrance.
Bashir: Have you tried using your code to shut down the security program?
Garak: Oh, several times, but for some reason I... can't begin to fathom, Gul Dukat chose not to trust me with his top-level security codes during the Occupation.
Garak suggests they destroy their life support systems, which Bashir points out is actually not as suicidal as it sounds - if they shut down life support, the poisonous gas can't be distributed throughout the station, and that gives them twelve hours to come up with an alternative solution. Twelve hours. Can I add that to the list of countdowns?
Kira once again gets to shoot up part of Ops. ♥
The lights go out, and the computer, annoyed at the interruption of its counter-insurgency program, initiates counter-insurgency program level three.
Yet another Dukat recording appears, this time pointing out that he's probably dead or locked in his quarters making stupid recordings all day or something, because things are getting really out of hand. The station's set to self-destruct. In two hours. Countdown number five!
Meanwhile, Quark and Odo are getting antsy. I am always distracted when there are scenes in Odo's office, because one of the ambient sound effects is an old-timey printer noise. Seriously, listen for it! I always get this overwhelming urge go to look for that printer paper with the little holes punched in the sides. Anyway, Quark gets a bit maudlin, starts to regret ever leaving home, and quotes the seventy-sixth Rule of Acquisition: "Home is where the heart is, but the stars are made of latinum."
Odo: Oh, come on, Quark. You've done all right for yourself.
Quark: Oh, what do you know?
Odo: Quark, I've met a lot of Ferengi in my time, and the truth is, though some of them may have been more wealthy, I've never met one more... devious.
Quark: Really?
Odo: Would I lie?
Quark: I guess not. Thank you, Odo. That means a lot to me.
Garak's having trouble getting the consoles to do anything because they're all keyed in to only accept commands from Gul Dukat. Dax comes up with a plan to make fool the computer into thinking Garak is actually Dukat.
Bashir gets smirky.
Garak: Well, tell me, Doctor, what is it exactly about this situation that's making you smile?
Bashir: You, Garak.
Garak: Hmm?
Bashir: Just wondering how many other tailors can rewrite Cardassian security protocols.
Garak: I wouldn't even venture a guess. Which reminds me, those pants you wanted altered are ready to be picked up.
Matching 'uh-oh' faces as Garak accidentally sets off another alarm. You guessed it! The computer initiates counter-insurgency program level four.
Since even Dukat apparently gets tired of making recordings, this level makes the replicator spit out a little ball thing that shoots at everything in sight.
Everyone makes it to cover but the redshirt. Ouch. I mean, death by replicated shooty ball thing. What a way to go.
And in the midst of all this chaos, Dukat - in the flesh - beams aboard. The shooty ball thing ignores him.
Dukat: *sighs* Let me guess. Someone tried to duplicate my access code, hm?
Dukat wanders around, hilariously ignoring the shooty ball thing that's blowing up everything in sight, and explains that he received a distress call from himself. Well, from a recording of himself. And that distress call was saying that a Bajoran rebellion was underway at Terok Nor. He was a little curious, so he popped over to investigate. You can tell it's pretty much the coolest thing that's happened to Dukat all week and he's been honing his gloating skills for just this occasion.
Bashir: Well, can you help us or not?
Dukat: *as though it had never occurred to him* Oh, most certainly. All I have to do is enter my command code and shut down the program.
Kira: Then do it!
Dukat: All in good time, Major Kira. All in good time. But first, there are a few things we need to discuss.
Dukat orders some tea from the replicator, which stops with the shooty ball thing just long enough to give him his tea, then starts up again. That's style, folks.
Dukat spots Garak taking cover behind a console and cracks up.
Dukat: Garak, groveling in a corner. That alone makes my trip worthwhile.
Garak: *stands up*
Bashir: Garak!
Garak: Easy, Doctor. It would appear that the computer is only targeting non-Cardassians.
Dukat: If you had been on the station when I designed this program, I would have made an exception in your case.
Garak: Well, you've always been short-sighted. It's held you back over the years. As I recall, your father had the same flaw.
Dukat: My father's only flaw was trusting you.
Garak: Funny, at his trial, your father said that his biggest flaw was that his ambition outweighed his patriotism.
Kira: *shouting over the noise of the shooty ball thing* Maybe you two could settle this at another time?
Dukat reluctanty stops the shooty ball thing and meets with Kira in Sisko's office. What does he want in return for saving them all? Just a permanent Cardassian presence aboard the station. As you can imagine, Kira is just thrilled with this suggested arrangement.
Kira: Well, let me put this another way. I would destroy this station before I ever gave it back to the Cardassians.
Dukat: Would you allow two thousand people aboard this station to die simply because you don't like... *pauses, loses some of the gloating expression* ...us?
When Kira doesn't deign to reply to that, Dukat decides to give them... a deadline! They've still got half an hour before the station self-destructs. He'll go back to his ship, and come back right before the big kaboom to get her answer then.
Dukat calls his computer to transport him back to the ship. In the Best Moment Ever, nothing happens. A recording of Legate Kell pops up, expressing his disappointment in Dukat for trying to abandon his post while the station's on the verge of self-destruction. Dukat's access code is no longer useful. He's just as trapped as everyone else.
Well, this is certainly awkward.
When we get back from the commercial break, Dukat tries aborting the self-destruct. No luck.
Garak: *laughs* Even your own computer program turns against you. I always knew your short-sightedness would be your downfall.
Dukat: I don't see you coming up with any ideas, tailor.
Kira: Look, if you two are finished with the insults...
After some technobabble, Dax concludes, basically, that they can get out of this in one piece if they can somehow get to Level 34 and deactivate the whatsit, which would stop the thingie from thingifying. Unfortunately, they're kinda stuck in Ops.
Speaking of being kinda stuck, let's see how Sisko and company are doing on their end.
Igniting the ore succeeds in blowing a perfect person-shaped hole in the wall. Just like on MacGyver!
Meanwhile, back in Ops, everyone's getting a bit discouraged. Except Dukat.
Dukat: I set up this program, and I assure you, Major, I will find a way to defeat it. There is no dilemma that cannot be solved by a disciplined Cardassian mind.
Garak: It's not going to work, you know.
Dukat: What are you babbling on about now?
Garak: I'm talking about Major Kira.
Kira: What about her?
Garak: She's much too busy trying to save the station to be impressed with your incessant posturing.
Dukat: *mortified* Garak!
Garak: And even if she weren't, she has much better taste than to be attracted to you. You, a married man.
Dukat: I should have executed you years ago.
Garak: Oh, you tried. Remember?
Bashir: ...Garak, this isn't helping.
Dax and Dukat come up with a plan for getting rid of the force fields keeping them from accessing other parts of the station: shortly after the Occupation, they deactivated the Cardassian thingumabobs, which were therefore not affected by the computer's vast array of anti-insurgency whatsits. So if they can activate them, they can doohickey their way out of there!
Meanwhile, Sisko, Jake, and O'Brien keep running into forcefields. It sure would be handy if someone could doohickey them out of the way.
Meanwhile- wait, I just realized: poor O'Brien spent this whole episode piling ore against a wall, and now he's going to have to come in here tomorrow and they'll expect him to fix all the parts of Ops that got blasted, phasered, gutted, and anti-insurgencied over the course of this episode. Poor guy. Anyway, Dukat does some poking around. After a few additional explosions, he suceeds in bringing down the forcefields and bringing up communications.
Kira gets in touch with Sisko and the others, who've made their way to a turbolift shaft. They're on Level 29. Without transporters or turbolifts, they're the closest ones to the thingie. You know. The whatsit. Level 34.
Sisko orders everyone else evacuated, and tells Jake to head for a runabout. In an adorable father-son moment, Jake tells his dad, in no uncertain terms, that's he's coming with them. ♥
But Odo and Quark are still locked in Security; the forcefields haven't gone down. Odo realizes the Cardassians obviously considered him a security risk - the forcefields were never to keep people out, they were to keep him in.
Odo: I suppose during the Occupation, the Cardassians considered their Security Chief a security risk.
Quark: And I know why.
Odo: Oh, do you?
Quark: It's because they knew you were an honourable man.
Odo: *does a double-take*
Quark: The kind of person who would do the right thing regardless of the circumstances. And now your integrity... is going to get us both killed. I hope you're happy.
Meanwhile, they've only got five minutes to thingummy the whatsit! Sisko notes that they may not have time to disengage the fusion initiator, and they could just direct the explosion into the shields instead, making for a much cooler special effect. O'Brien agrees.
And they find this blocking their way, leaving a maintenance conduit as their only access point. A maintenance conduit full of fire. Talk about having a good day.
Sisko and O'Brien crawl in, having agreed to keep going even if one of them runs into trouble.
Because O'Brien is O'Brien and the writers love to torture him so, he's the one to run into trouble. Sisko has to keep going and leave him behind.
Sisko reaches the doohickey machine and starts pressing buttons and pulling things out and putting them back in, trying to reach O'Brien on his communicator the whole time.
Jake crawls in and drags O'Brien to safety!
O'Brien: Jake... I thought your father told you to stay out of there.
Jake: If you don't tell him, I won't.
The whatsits thingumify as predicted!
Sisko resolves to find a less stressful subplot next time.
The doors finally open in Security. Quark is playing around with Odo's computer.
Quark: 'A self-important con artist who's nowhere near as clever as he thinks he is.' That's your official security evaluation of me.
Odo: Quark, I told you to stay away from the computer.
Quark: Two hours ago, you told me I was the most devious Ferengi you ever met.
Odo: I thought we were going to die. I was trying to be nice.
And we pan out on them, still arguing, as life on the station gets back to normal. ♥
Well, that was longer than I expected. If you're getting sick of all my DS9 posts, um. At least I'll be posting a "Beginner's Guide"-type picspam soonish?
